Chapter 4 – A wizard did it

“Wingardi-what?”

“Wingardium leviosa,” Repeated Neville after glancing back to his textbook to double-check.

“That just sounds silly,” I said with a small frown. “I mean, come on. Pig Latin? Really?”

“Wouldn’t that be ingway evitatelay?” Said Ron absentmindedly between two snacks.

“Yeah, you are right. What do you call this then?” I posited and Ron answered again with a bored expression.

“Verbal derivatives designed to sound cool?”

“Let’s go with that,” I said and wrote it down into the notebook Neville lent me. We have been doing this for a while now, with Neville giving me all sorts of details and tidbits he could remember and me making notes of it. He wasn’t exactly the smartest guy on the planet but he was nice, eager and he actually gave me a lot of good clues.

Then Ron Weasley came along a short time afterwards asking if he could move over here because the other cabin was getting a bit rowdy. When I asked him about the state of the place when he left he said they were mostly just groping each other and mashing their butts together, among other things. His description sounded weirdly nauseating so I cut him off at that point before he could get to the more elaborate acts, though I had to admit I was at least a little curious about the one involving a duck made of macaroni and mayonnaise and two chocolate frogs. Not curious enough to risk my sanity though.

I leaned back and stretched out a little while collecting my thoughts. My amnesia proved to be surprisingly spotty, as I quickly discovered that I remembered quite a number of important things as well as a bunch of useless trivia. For example, I knew that the headmaster of Hogwarts is a man named Albus Bumbledore, the greatest wizard of this generation and the he owner of one awesome wizard beard, or that there were four houses students got assigned to upon entry. There was also something about a Dark Lord and such, though that one was a bit foggier. Oh well, I might as well ask my newfound companions about it.

“Hey guys, what can you tell me about Voldemort?”

The two boys’ reactions were practically polar opposites. Neville went pale and hid himself behind his trembling book while Ron just raised an eyebrow and put his snacks down.

“You know, most people don’t really call him by his name.” He said while leaning closer. “It’s a bit of a bad omen.”

“Oh come on! I get it that you are wizards, but isn’t that all the more reason to be less superstitious about things like this? I mean, it’s not like one of those urban legends where a person appears when you call his name in the mirror.” I glanced a Neville, still hiding behind his book and added, “Right?”

Ron chuckled at my side and leaned back. “You can never know. He was the Dark Lord after all.”

“Thanks for reminding me, that’s another thing I wanted to ask. Just who the hell calls himself ’the Dark Lord’? Isn’t that like advertising that you are up to no good?”

“W-Well, he really was up to no good.” Said Neville timidly.

“My point still stands.” I said as I crossed my arms. “And speaking of which, he apparently disappeared and that Harry kid from the other cabin gets all the applause for it. He was just a baby when it happened! If anyone should be considered a hero, it should be his parents! They were the ones who killed your scary Dark Lord, weren’t they?”

“He is your scary Dark Lord too, you know…” Said Neville.

“You know what I meant. I also don’t like how he just ‘disappeared’. That is practically the recipe for a sudden reveal about him still being around and hiding.”

“Don’t say things like that!” Protested Neville from behind his book.

 “Well, “ Ron smiled mischievously, “Maybe he is actually hiding nearby. On this very train even!”

Suddenly the cabin door opened with a creak, prompting Neville to jump off the couch and try to hide under it. Ugh… Maybe we teased the poor kid a bit too much. In addition, I suppose I should really add ‘comedic convenience’ to my notes under the other laws of the universe… Eh, maybe later.

That said I focused my attention to the man poking his head into the cabin. He was a twitchy looking fellow with a pale complexion and a weird, purple turban on his head. He looked over the three of us and settled on me, as I was the closest to the door.

“Good evening young men. Could you tell me where I can find Professor Snape?”

“Most certainly,” I told him and pointed at the wall behind me with my thumb. “Right over there. Though I would advise against bothering him. He is apparently having a beauty nap.”

He stared at me blankly for a moment, probably wondering if I was serious or not, then his lips slowly widened into a thin, nervous smile. “Thank you,” He said and closed the door behind him.

“I wonder who that was,” I said absentmindedly as I tapped Neville on the shoulder. “You can get up now, it wasn’t Voldemort.”

“Or was he?” Added Ron ominously.

“No, he wasn’t. At least he sure as hell didn’t look like a Dark Lord to me. I mean, where are the black clothes and the spikes?”

The redhead boy seemed to be thinking for a moment, then smiled, “Maybe he was hiding under his turban?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I groaned as I helped Neville up from the ground. “Who heard of a Dark Lord small enough to fit under a turban!”

“Thanks. That really startled me.” Said Neville in a mousy voice as I helped him dust off the back of his robes.

“You are welcome,” I said while taking seat again. “But seriously, was that a teacher?”

“Probably the annual Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher,” Came the answer from Ron who was in the middle of unpacking another load of sweets.

“Just how many of those do you have?” I asked while pointing at the box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Damn, that name is a mouthful… Anyways, he looked over at the box in his hand and shrugged his shoulders.

“What? I like them. There are even pancake flavored ones.”

I sighed. “Never mind… By the way, what did you mean by ‘annual’?”

“You mean the teacher? There is a rumor that the position is cursed and that the seat of the teacher in charge of Defense Against the Dark Arts can only be held for one year by anyone.”

“Is it something like an urban legend?”

“I don’t really know, but my brothers said that there was a new DADA teacher every year for at least a decade. That sounds pretty real to me.”

“Do they all fall ill or something?”

“That’s the kicker! They all left for different reasons. It’s pretty spooky,” He said as he popped a brownish bean into his mouth. A moment later his eyes went wide open and he immediately spit it out. “Blergh! Maple syrup! I hate maple syrup!” He groaned as he was clawing at his tongue.

“… Oooookay, that was weird,” I said while inching away from the saliva-drenched bean on the cabin floor. “But on the previous topic, isn’t that pretty bad? I mean really, really bad?”

“What do you mean?” Asked Neville in place of Ron who was in the middle of rinsing his mouth. Some people have the weirdest peeves… Anyways, I turned towards him to explain my point.

“You see, saying that there is a ‘curse’ is all fine and dandy, but have you thought of the implications of what that means? It would require the curse to manipulate the entire world. Hell, the entire universe! It would have to change probabilities and pull the strings of everything and everyone in that school! Free will and causality both go right out the window! Who would do something like that?”

“A wizard?” Said Ron after regaining his composure. I stared at him for a moment and just dropped my head.

“Sure,” I said as I grabbed hold of my notebook and added ‘A wizard did it!’ under the Laws of the Universe section. Oh, I should also add the one about comedic convenience if I am here. It might have sounded silly but it was still better to learn about these things early rather than to get bogged down by some seemingly illogical mess later down the line. I nodded to myself as I closed the notebook and glanced at the window. “We are almost there, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we should arrive to Hogwarts shortly.” said Neville with wistful eyes as he stared at the lights of the castle in the evening twilight.

“I should go and get my bags,” said Ron while rising to his feet. “I left them in the other cabin.”

“That reminds me…” I stood up as well and let out a sigh the size of Jupiter. “I should see if I have any luggage as well.”

“If?” Neville tilted his head curiously.

“It’s complicated,” I sad as I reached for the handle on the door. “We better get going. See you in school, Neville.”

“Yeah. Good luck with the sorting hat,” quipped Ron accompanied by a pat on the back.

“O-Okay. See you later!” Chirped the boy as we left. We quickly made our way down the train car, making extra sure that we walked very quietly in front of Professor Snape’s cabin.

Once we were in the clear I turned around and whispered to Ron “Sorting hat? Really?”

He chuckled and gave me a pat on the back as well, “You’ll see.”

With that we returned to our original cabin, only to meet with the most surprising and off the wall scene I could have ever imagined. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were… quietly chatting with all their clothes still on them… I mean, wow. I was expecting practically anything but that.

We opened the door and the two of them seemed quite surprised to see us.

“Finally! Where did you disappear like that!?” Asked Hermione in a bossy tone. “We are almost at Hogwarts and you just up and vanish like that! Very inconsiderate!”

“Welcome back,” Said Harry, who seemed to be more relieved in contrast. “We were just about to go looking for you two.”

“Um… where is Draco and Luna?” I asked in confusion.

The two looked at each other and gave me a baffled “Who?” in unison.

Ron and I glanced at each other but we appeared to be equally matched in out level of bewilderment. I grabbed him by the shoulder flashed a wooden smile to two inside the cabin. “Just a moment, I think we forgot something,” I said as I dragged Ron aside and slammed the door behind us.

“Hey! Where are you going?!” Hermione protested, but by then I pulled Ron over.

“Didn’t you say they were engaging in some sort of weird non-penetrative roleplay when you left?” I whispered him.

“Don’t look at me! I have no idea either!”

“Well they are obviously not exchanging any bodily fluids as far as I can see.”

“I said don’t look at me! You saw how they were before you left too!”

“What are you two whispering about?” The question came from Hermione who followed after us with a terrifying but also oddly adorable scowl that only prepubescent girls can muster.

“Errr… Nothing in particular,” I said but then a sudden idea reared its head in my, well, head. “Say, Hermione?”

“Yes?” She seemed to be put off-balance by the sudden change in my tone.

“What comes to mind when I say the word ‘pardon’ to you?”

For a second she seemed perplexed and then she just said, “You speak French?”

I shook my head in response. “No. At least I don’t think so.”

“Too bad,” She replied with a bit of vitriol. “For a moment I almost had a better opinion of you.”

“Ouch,” Came the word from the mouth of Ron alongside with a small elbow jab to my side. Just then the train began slowing down, prompting Hermione to fall forward from the unexpected jolt. As it would happen, I was just in the way where she was falling, and as such I quickly reached out and grabbed her before she fell over.

“Hey there,” I told her with a smile while I helped her regain her footing. “Careful.”

“T-Thanks,” She replied as I let her go. For a moment she seemed to fidget as she was looking at me then she suddenly gasped and returned to the cabin without a word.

“That was a confusing reaction,” I whispered to Ron at my side.

“Girls are weird,” he shrugged his shoulders and followed after her. Well, at least they were no longer acting like horny idiots. That’s a step up, I suppose. I shook of some of my weariness and followed after them.

Inside the cabin Hermione and Harry were already in the middle of packing their things. I checked under the couch where I used to sit, and lo and behold, I actually had a bag. Or rather a chest. A big one. How was I supposed to move this again?

“Is there a problem?” The question came from Harry who came up to my side and was looking at the chest as well.

“I was just wondering what I was supposed to do with this,” I said in exasperation.

“You don’t know?” Chimed in Hermione who was in the middle of wrapping herself into a scarf. She glanced at me but she was conspicuously avoiding eye-contact. Weird.

“No, I have no idea,” I said.

“Maybe it’s enchanted?” Said Ron. “Try calling it?”

“…” I stared at the large wooden chest for a few second. It couldn’t be… But then again, it could… “Nah, there is no way it would be that blatant!” I whispered under my breath, but then I remembered the rules of the universe I learned about and let out a small groan. Of course it would…

“Luggage?” I exhaled, and just as expected the chest suddenly sprouted a throng of tiny legs and quietly crawled out of under the couch. I followed it with my eyes and groaned again. “Let me guess, you also press my clothes and make them smell like lavender, right?”

The luggage froze, but then its lid sprung open revealing a heap of neatly folded and ironed underwear within. “Great,” I sighed. “Because THAT is original.” I closed its lid and shooed it out of the cabin. “Go find yourself another wizard to bother! Or even better, find yourself a tourist first and then a wizard.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry and company seemed to be utterly confused about my behavior.

“It’s complicated.” I said and turned back to the luggage still looking at me from outside the cabin while also blocking the way of the other student trying to get off the train. Well, at least I presumed it was watching me, though it didn’t appear to have any eyes. Maybe through the keyhole?

I glared at it and stomped my feet. “Go away already, you do not belong here!” I told it, and after what appeared to be a moment of contemplation it stuck out its large mahogany tongue at me. In the very next moment it popped out of existence in a puff of logic.

For a few second we all just stood there in silence, staring at the space that was until a moment ago accompanied by a very big and very heavy chest and which now wasn’t. Apparently that was weird even by magical world standards.

“Wow… Did you just make it disappear without a wand?” Asked Hermione with sparkling eyes.

“Um… No. It disappeared by itself. I think,” I answered, though even I wasn’t completely sure about that.

“Guys, we can discuss this later! We should get off the train before we are left behind!” Said Ron while grabbing his bags.

“Right,” Nodded Harry, “Let’s go!”

Personally I thought the disappearing luggage warranted a little more discussions, but I also had to admit that they were right. I put on my coat and made my way off the train alongside the others. Though, for some mysterious reason I had a weird feeling that I was forgetting something…

Nah, it couldn’t be that important if I forgot it on the first place…

This was a pretty straightforward chapter, wasn't it? In fact, this very chapter is what I consider to be the baseline when it comes to most of the future chapters: laidback, simple comedy with some tongue-in-cheek poking at the fictional settings at hand with some random meta-comedy thrown in there for a change of pace every now and then. This is the kind of stuff I like to read, so this is what I write, simple as that. :)