Chapter 4 – A wizard did it

“Wingardi-what?”

“Wingardium leviosa,” Repeated Neville after glancing back to his textbook to double-check.

“That just sounds silly,” I said with a small frown. “I mean, come on. Pig Latin? Really?”

“Wouldn’t that be ingway evitatelay?” Said Ron absentmindedly between two snacks.

“Yeah, you are right. What do you call this then?” I posited and Ron answered again with a bored expression.

“Verbal derivatives designed to sound cool?”

“Let’s go with that,” I said and wrote it down into the notebook Neville lent me. We have been doing this for a while now, with Neville giving me all sorts of details and tidbits he could remember and me making notes of it. He wasn’t exactly the smartest guy on the planet but he was nice, eager and he actually gave me a lot of good clues.

Then Ron Weasley came along a short time afterwards asking if he could move over here because the other cabin was getting a bit rowdy. When I asked him about the state of the place when he left he said they were mostly just groping each other and mashing their butts together, among other things. His description sounded weirdly nauseating so I cut him off at that point before he could get to the more elaborate acts, though I had to admit I was at least a little curious about the one involving a duck made of macaroni and mayonnaise and two chocolate frogs. Not curious enough to risk my sanity though.

I leaned back and stretched out a little while collecting my thoughts. My amnesia proved to be surprisingly spotty, as I quickly discovered that I remembered quite a number of important things as well as a bunch of useless trivia. For example, I knew that the headmaster of Hogwarts is a man named Albus Bumbledore, the greatest wizard of this generation and the he owner of one awesome wizard beard, or that there were four houses students got assigned to upon entry. There was also something about a Dark Lord and such, though that one was a bit foggier. Oh well, I might as well ask my newfound companions about it.

“Hey guys, what can you tell me about Voldemort?”

The two boys’ reactions were practically polar opposites. Neville went pale and hid himself behind his trembling book while Ron just raised an eyebrow and put his snacks down.

“You know, most people don’t really call him by his name.” He said while leaning closer. “It’s a bit of a bad omen.”

“Oh come on! I get it that you are wizards, but isn’t that all the more reason to be less superstitious about things like this? I mean, it’s not like one of those urban legends where a person appears when you call his name in the mirror.” I glanced a Neville, still hiding behind his book and added, “Right?”

Ron chuckled at my side and leaned back. “You can never know. He was the Dark Lord after all.”

“Thanks for reminding me, that’s another thing I wanted to ask. Just who the hell calls himself ’the Dark Lord’? Isn’t that like advertising that you are up to no good?”

“W-Well, he really was up to no good.” Said Neville timidly.

“My point still stands.” I said as I crossed my arms. “And speaking of which, he apparently disappeared and that Harry kid from the other cabin gets all the applause for it. He was just a baby when it happened! If anyone should be considered a hero, it should be his parents! They were the ones who killed your scary Dark Lord, weren’t they?”

“He is your scary Dark Lord too, you know…” Said Neville.

“You know what I meant. I also don’t like how he just ‘disappeared’. That is practically the recipe for a sudden reveal about him still being around and hiding.”

“Don’t say things like that!” Protested Neville from behind his book.

 “Well, “ Ron smiled mischievously, “Maybe he is actually hiding nearby. On this very train even!”

Suddenly the cabin door opened with a creak, prompting Neville to jump off the couch and try to hide under it. Ugh… Maybe we teased the poor kid a bit too much. In addition, I suppose I should really add ‘comedic convenience’ to my notes under the other laws of the universe… Eh, maybe later.

That said I focused my attention to the man poking his head into the cabin. He was a twitchy looking fellow with a pale complexion and a weird, purple turban on his head. He looked over the three of us and settled on me, as I was the closest to the door.

“Good evening young men. Could you tell me where I can find Professor Snape?”

“Most certainly,” I told him and pointed at the wall behind me with my thumb. “Right over there. Though I would advise against bothering him. He is apparently having a beauty nap.”

He stared at me blankly for a moment, probably wondering if I was serious or not, then his lips slowly widened into a thin, nervous smile. “Thank you,” He said and closed the door behind him.

“I wonder who that was,” I said absentmindedly as I tapped Neville on the shoulder. “You can get up now, it wasn’t Voldemort.”

“Or was he?” Added Ron ominously.

“No, he wasn’t. At least he sure as hell didn’t look like a Dark Lord to me. I mean, where are the black clothes and the spikes?”

The redhead boy seemed to be thinking for a moment, then smiled, “Maybe he was hiding under his turban?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I groaned as I helped Neville up from the ground. “Who heard of a Dark Lord small enough to fit under a turban!”

“Thanks. That really startled me.” Said Neville in a mousy voice as I helped him dust off the back of his robes.

“You are welcome,” I said while taking seat again. “But seriously, was that a teacher?”

“Probably the annual Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher,” Came the answer from Ron who was in the middle of unpacking another load of sweets.

“Just how many of those do you have?” I asked while pointing at the box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Damn, that name is a mouthful… Anyways, he looked over at the box in his hand and shrugged his shoulders.

“What? I like them. There are even pancake flavored ones.”

I sighed. “Never mind… By the way, what did you mean by ‘annual’?”

“You mean the teacher? There is a rumor that the position is cursed and that the seat of the teacher in charge of Defense Against the Dark Arts can only be held for one year by anyone.”

“Is it something like an urban legend?”

“I don’t really know, but my brothers said that there was a new DADA teacher every year for at least a decade. That sounds pretty real to me.”

“Do they all fall ill or something?”

“That’s the kicker! They all left for different reasons. It’s pretty spooky,” He said as he popped a brownish bean into his mouth. A moment later his eyes went wide open and he immediately spit it out. “Blergh! Maple syrup! I hate maple syrup!” He groaned as he was clawing at his tongue.

“… Oooookay, that was weird,” I said while inching away from the saliva-drenched bean on the cabin floor. “But on the previous topic, isn’t that pretty bad? I mean really, really bad?”

“What do you mean?” Asked Neville in place of Ron who was in the middle of rinsing his mouth. Some people have the weirdest peeves… Anyways, I turned towards him to explain my point.

“You see, saying that there is a ‘curse’ is all fine and dandy, but have you thought of the implications of what that means? It would require the curse to manipulate the entire world. Hell, the entire universe! It would have to change probabilities and pull the strings of everything and everyone in that school! Free will and causality both go right out the window! Who would do something like that?”

“A wizard?” Said Ron after regaining his composure. I stared at him for a moment and just dropped my head.

“Sure,” I said as I grabbed hold of my notebook and added ‘A wizard did it!’ under the Laws of the Universe section. Oh, I should also add the one about comedic convenience if I am here. It might have sounded silly but it was still better to learn about these things early rather than to get bogged down by some seemingly illogical mess later down the line. I nodded to myself as I closed the notebook and glanced at the window. “We are almost there, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we should arrive to Hogwarts shortly.” said Neville with wistful eyes as he stared at the lights of the castle in the evening twilight.

“I should go and get my bags,” said Ron while rising to his feet. “I left them in the other cabin.”

“That reminds me…” I stood up as well and let out a sigh the size of Jupiter. “I should see if I have any luggage as well.”

“If?” Neville tilted his head curiously.

“It’s complicated,” I sad as I reached for the handle on the door. “We better get going. See you in school, Neville.”

“Yeah. Good luck with the sorting hat,” quipped Ron accompanied by a pat on the back.

“O-Okay. See you later!” Chirped the boy as we left. We quickly made our way down the train car, making extra sure that we walked very quietly in front of Professor Snape’s cabin.

Once we were in the clear I turned around and whispered to Ron “Sorting hat? Really?”

He chuckled and gave me a pat on the back as well, “You’ll see.”

With that we returned to our original cabin, only to meet with the most surprising and off the wall scene I could have ever imagined. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were… quietly chatting with all their clothes still on them… I mean, wow. I was expecting practically anything but that.

We opened the door and the two of them seemed quite surprised to see us.

“Finally! Where did you disappear like that!?” Asked Hermione in a bossy tone. “We are almost at Hogwarts and you just up and vanish like that! Very inconsiderate!”

“Welcome back,” Said Harry, who seemed to be more relieved in contrast. “We were just about to go looking for you two.”

“Um… where is Draco and Luna?” I asked in confusion.

The two looked at each other and gave me a baffled “Who?” in unison.

Ron and I glanced at each other but we appeared to be equally matched in out level of bewilderment. I grabbed him by the shoulder flashed a wooden smile to two inside the cabin. “Just a moment, I think we forgot something,” I said as I dragged Ron aside and slammed the door behind us.

“Hey! Where are you going?!” Hermione protested, but by then I pulled Ron over.

“Didn’t you say they were engaging in some sort of weird non-penetrative roleplay when you left?” I whispered him.

“Don’t look at me! I have no idea either!”

“Well they are obviously not exchanging any bodily fluids as far as I can see.”

“I said don’t look at me! You saw how they were before you left too!”

“What are you two whispering about?” The question came from Hermione who followed after us with a terrifying but also oddly adorable scowl that only prepubescent girls can muster.

“Errr… Nothing in particular,” I said but then a sudden idea reared its head in my, well, head. “Say, Hermione?”

“Yes?” She seemed to be put off-balance by the sudden change in my tone.

“What comes to mind when I say the word ‘pardon’ to you?”

For a second she seemed perplexed and then she just said, “You speak French?”

I shook my head in response. “No. At least I don’t think so.”

“Too bad,” She replied with a bit of vitriol. “For a moment I almost had a better opinion of you.”

“Ouch,” Came the word from the mouth of Ron alongside with a small elbow jab to my side. Just then the train began slowing down, prompting Hermione to fall forward from the unexpected jolt. As it would happen, I was just in the way where she was falling, and as such I quickly reached out and grabbed her before she fell over.

“Hey there,” I told her with a smile while I helped her regain her footing. “Careful.”

“T-Thanks,” She replied as I let her go. For a moment she seemed to fidget as she was looking at me then she suddenly gasped and returned to the cabin without a word.

“That was a confusing reaction,” I whispered to Ron at my side.

“Girls are weird,” he shrugged his shoulders and followed after her. Well, at least they were no longer acting like horny idiots. That’s a step up, I suppose. I shook of some of my weariness and followed after them.

Inside the cabin Hermione and Harry were already in the middle of packing their things. I checked under the couch where I used to sit, and lo and behold, I actually had a bag. Or rather a chest. A big one. How was I supposed to move this again?

“Is there a problem?” The question came from Harry who came up to my side and was looking at the chest as well.

“I was just wondering what I was supposed to do with this,” I said in exasperation.

“You don’t know?” Chimed in Hermione who was in the middle of wrapping herself into a scarf. She glanced at me but she was conspicuously avoiding eye-contact. Weird.

“No, I have no idea,” I said.

“Maybe it’s enchanted?” Said Ron. “Try calling it?”

“…” I stared at the large wooden chest for a few second. It couldn’t be… But then again, it could… “Nah, there is no way it would be that blatant!” I whispered under my breath, but then I remembered the rules of the universe I learned about and let out a small groan. Of course it would…

“Luggage?” I exhaled, and just as expected the chest suddenly sprouted a throng of tiny legs and quietly crawled out of under the couch. I followed it with my eyes and groaned again. “Let me guess, you also press my clothes and make them smell like lavender, right?”

The luggage froze, but then its lid sprung open revealing a heap of neatly folded and ironed underwear within. “Great,” I sighed. “Because THAT is original.” I closed its lid and shooed it out of the cabin. “Go find yourself another wizard to bother! Or even better, find yourself a tourist first and then a wizard.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry and company seemed to be utterly confused about my behavior.

“It’s complicated.” I said and turned back to the luggage still looking at me from outside the cabin while also blocking the way of the other student trying to get off the train. Well, at least I presumed it was watching me, though it didn’t appear to have any eyes. Maybe through the keyhole?

I glared at it and stomped my feet. “Go away already, you do not belong here!” I told it, and after what appeared to be a moment of contemplation it stuck out its large mahogany tongue at me. In the very next moment it popped out of existence in a puff of logic.

For a few second we all just stood there in silence, staring at the space that was until a moment ago accompanied by a very big and very heavy chest and which now wasn’t. Apparently that was weird even by magical world standards.

“Wow… Did you just make it disappear without a wand?” Asked Hermione with sparkling eyes.

“Um… No. It disappeared by itself. I think,” I answered, though even I wasn’t completely sure about that.

“Guys, we can discuss this later! We should get off the train before we are left behind!” Said Ron while grabbing his bags.

“Right,” Nodded Harry, “Let’s go!”

Personally I thought the disappearing luggage warranted a little more discussions, but I also had to admit that they were right. I put on my coat and made my way off the train alongside the others. Though, for some mysterious reason I had a weird feeling that I was forgetting something…

Nah, it couldn’t be that important if I forgot it on the first place…

This was a pretty straightforward chapter, wasn't it? In fact, this very chapter is what I consider to be the baseline when it comes to most of the future chapters: laidback, simple comedy with some tongue-in-cheek poking at the fictional settings at hand with some random meta-comedy thrown in there for a change of pace every now and then. This is the kind of stuff I like to read, so this is what I write, simple as that. :)

Chapter 3 – Bring out the canon cannon!

It was four thirty-six, in-universe time, world DNT000989. Tokyo. The Yagami household seemed deceptively peaceful at first glance, but I knew better. There was a class seven UMS lurking inside. A hijacker.

The Canon Enforcement Bureau detected him quite early, and while he appears to be relatively harmless for the time being, it’s best to nip him in the bud before he becomes a headache in the future. I have seen class sevens get drunk on their power and climb up to class four in record time. It wasn’t pretty. I had to spend an eternity on Namek in world DBZ003978 to clean up that mess.

I glanced over the house one more time and checked my equipment.

Canon enforcement tools? Check.

Subduing equipment? Check.

Protective duster? Check.

Sweet hat? Check.

It appeared that I had everything in working order. I ran thought a few possible applicable strategic approaches in my head and decided on a direct method. As such I walked up to the door and rung the doorbell. Sometimes the simplest plans are the best.

It only took a few seconds for the door to open, revealing a young, brown haired girl. She was short and about high-school age.

“Hello.” I said with a neutral smile. She looked me in the eye, which meant she had to strain her neck quite a bit. I was about three heads taller than her.

“Um… Can I help you?” She answered with an unsure expression.

“Is your big brother in?” I asked with a roughly 35% warmer smile. You have to be precise about these things. She blinked a few times while thinking and slowly shook her head.

“N-No… Are you a friend of his?”

“Something like that,” I said after quietly clicking my tongue. “Do you know when he would be back?”

“He went to the grocery store, so he should be back soon.”

“Great,” I heaved in relief. I might not have managed to corner him just yet, but this way I should at least have some time to scout out the area of engagement. “Could I come in?”

The girl seemed to be in a conundrum. “Um… I am not supposed to let strangers in…”

“Tch,” I clicked my tongue again. In retrospect that much was obvious. She was a teenage girl after all. I considered my options and decided to alter things a little. It’s one of the perks that come with the job. I closed my eyes and ran through the necessary details. By the time I opened them, the girl in front of me was already blushing.

“W-Well… You can come in if you want… I mean, you look good…” She suddenly covered her mouth and added, “I mean, you don’t look bad! A bad person, I mean! Come on in.”

She gestured for me to enter. I felt a little dirty for doing something like this but it was for the greater good. Not to mention this alteration will be erased along with all the others once I’m done here, so it’s not like it really mattered. After calming my guilty conscience like that I entered the building.

“I’m Sayu. Sayu Yagami. Nice to meet you,” She said while still blushing.

“I know, your brother told me about you.” That was a lie, of course. I actually read her name in the case report. “I’m Wilfred Troy, nice to meet you.”

“Wow! Your name is pretty cool!”

“Thanks.”

“I like your hat too…”

“So do I,” I answered again, this time with a bit more enthusiasm. “Now then, could I ask you a few questions about your brother?” I asked while Sayu directed me to the living room.

“Why? Didn’t you say you were friends?”

“Yes, but I am curious how you see him. It would make me really happy if you gave me your opinion.”

I could practically see her eyes sparkle as she sat down as well and began talking. “My big brother is awesome! He is a top student at his university, he is athletic and he wants to become a great detective like dad!”

This far the description matched that of the original Yagami Light. According to the record he was already on the level of a class ten CMS even in the original canon. Not that it mattered to me. Such things are outside my jurisdiction.

“… and he speaks fourteen languages and he knows kung fu and he is dating L who is actually a girl and…”

Ah, now we are talking. These details are most certainly not canon. It appears that the UMS in question only focuses on tweaking the original character and his immediate acquaintances. I had to make sure though. “Sayu?”

“Yes?” Chirped the girl with a smile.

“Have you heard anything about something called a Death Note?”

Sayu immediately shook her head. “No. What is that?”

“Nothing important. Just checking,” I told her after exhaling in relief. It seems like she doesn’t know. That means the UMS didn’t break that part of the canon. I was actually getting a little disappointed. Was this really a class seven? As far as I could tell he barely sounded more than a class nine…

Just then I noticed the distinct sound of the front door opening, accompanied by lithe steps. I glanced back and my eyes met with those of a young man holding a grocery bag. He was pale like the moonlight, though I presumed it had more to do with my appearance than his natural complexion. I stood up and gave him a nod.

“RyukFrvr98, I presume? Pleased to meet you.” I said as I slowly tugged on my gloves.

“who th hell r u!?” He exclaimed while the grocery bag fell from his hand. Ugh, he was one of the illiterate types. Marvelous.

“Wait, didn’t you say you two were friends?” The girl was understandably confused at my side. “And who is that Ryuk whatever you are talking about?”

I sighed and lightly tapped her on the forehead, “Please take a nap now.” Just like that she collapsed onto the sofa in a light sleep. It was another minor alteration, and a mostly unnecessary one at that. Still, this was the least I could do for her. When she wakes up her world will be back to how it was supposed to be and she won’t even remember a thing. I turned back to the young man still frozen by shock and introduced myself. “I’m Colonel Troy, Canon Enforcement Bureau, Special Enforcement Division. We need to talk.”

At first he just kept staring at me, but then he suddenly threw me a typical slasher-smile and began laughing. “hahahaha1!1 I haave no idae what u r taking abuto, but I have to tank u 4 placing my sister to slep! Now I heva no reasone to hold bak!” He raised his hand and pointed at me with a triumphant face. “King of shinigamys, RyukOmega! kil him!”

Following his words the ambient light of the room suddenly took a nosedive as a grotesque monster materialized itself out of thin air right in front of me, ready pounce. It was a vaguely humanoid creature except with elongated limbs, black wings and a bunch of completely pointless spikes. He also seemed to be on fire, which was a little baffling in retrospect.

“Amateur…” I sighed as I pointed at the creature. “Objection!” I yelled and in the very same moment color escaped from the world and the fake shinigami froze mid-flight in the air.

“what?”

“Tch. Seriously? You know nothing about how the Canon Enforcement Bureau operates, do you?” The man didn’t open his mouth, but that lack of words was answer enough. It was time for a demonstration. I could feel my canon enforcement tools brim with charge as I exclaimed, “There exists no such character in this world!”

There was a high-pitched whistling sound as a single, shimmering crack of blue appeared on the fake death god suspended in mid-air.

“what r u talkling a boot!? he is right fronts of u!”  Shouted the man in confusion as he was trying to comprehend what was happening.

“Yes, and he shouldn’t be.” There was another small crack. “Also, you cannot command him like that; he wouldn’t obey you directly; he is supposed to be invisible and intangible, so I shouldn’t even be able to see him; he should not be able to touch me, let alone kill me, without willing it on purpose, which would mean he would be immediately punished by death by shinigami law and being on flame like that is just stupid.”

The number of cracks practically exploded on the death god with a sickening noise reminiscent of an entire truck’s worth of plate glass falling off a cliff and it crumbled into dust.

“riuk!!!!!!!!!!!!” The man shouted only for a new creature, similar to the previous one show up. He still looked grotesque but he was much less over the top.

“What is it?” He said with an oily voice. I sighed and pointed at him again.

“As I said, I am not supposed to be able to see you.”

“Oopsy,” He answered and then promptly disappeared from my point of view. The UMS on the other hand seemed to be able to still perceive him and he was completely shocked.

“how??????????????????” He was gasping for air as his eyes kept jumping back and forth between the now invisible real shinigami and the steadily disintegrating remains of ‘RyukOmega’.

“Now then,” I said while theatrically dusting my sleeves. “As I said, we need to talk.”

For a second he seemed to be entertaining the thought of ceasing hostilities but a moment later he suddenly dashed up the stairs. I hung my head a sighed. “Of course you would resist. Why do you guys always resist…?” I mumbled while following after him. By the time I reached the first floor he just slammed a door behind him. Probably his room, I figured.

I went up there and knocked. “Listen, this leads nowhere. Just come with me quietly and-” I got this far when I suddenly noticed a small metallic sound and dived to the left. A second later there was a loud bang followed by an equally loud impact coming from the door. The bastard had a gun. I sighed, stood up and dusted my sleeves again. I faced the door once more and kicked it right off its hinges while shouting “Objection!”

The world once again froze into monochrome as I stepped through the now open doorway and thundered at the man, “Yagami Light would never use a gun like that! It leaves too much evidence! He wouldn’t even have a gun in his room!  It’s way too conspicuous!” Following my words the gun cracked in half and disintegrated into grey dust. On the floor. For a moment I was genuinely surprised, wondering why he would throw his weapon away like that, but then I remembered what this word was about and focused my attention to the desk by the wall.

The UMS was there as expected, right in the middle of scribbling into a thin black notebook. He drew the last line and looked at me with glittering madness in his eyes. “i gut u a-hole!!!!!!!! U r dead!!!!!!!!!”

I squinted. This is going to be tricky. “Conceptual Recognition Overlay.” I gave the order. A moment later the entire previously monochrome world got tinted neon green. Ugh. I can’t believe the R&D guys still couldn’t get rid of the effect. Anyways, I focused on the notebook on the writing desk beside the grinning man. Right there was a whirling mass of red lines with barbed ends made visible by the overlay, slowly advancing towards me like a swarm of angry wasps.

I pointed at it and once again declared, “Objection!” The red swarm stopped on its tracks. “You do not know my full name; therefore you should not be able to use the Death Note.”  The lines immediately withered like wilting wines on fast forward.

“No!!!!!” The UMS exclaimed with a triumphant smile. “ths is the Deth note of th shynigamy King! it can kil u wihtout ur nam!!!!!!11!!”

In response to his rebuttal the swarm of red started advancing towards me again. I clicked my tongue in frustration. Now that I cornered him he seemed to finally put up a resistance. Not that it will do him any good.

“Nonsense! Ryuk is not the Shinigami King, therefore you have no access to such a thing! And even if you did, no such ability is established in this world!” My changed angle seemed to work pretty well, as a number of cracks appeared on the notebook itself as well as the swarm of death closing in on me.

“who cars aboot what is esatbilishd!?!?!?!!!! This the death Noote the king & ur gong to dye!!!!!”

“Oh boy…” I exhaled. The logical resistance only lasted this long, huh? Not that I was complaining. It spared my time, as at this point I only needed a single stroke to end this. “Are you saying this is your own continuity?” I asked with a small smile as I made sure the glove on my right hand was properly secured.

“yess!!! thats xactly wht i mean!!!!!!!!!!!” His words were like and explosion blowing away all my previous objections. The world suddenly regained its color, though from my point of view it was still tinted neon green. The previously invisible death god at his side also immediately popped out of existence and got replaced with RyukOmega in all his stupid spiky, flaming glory. I couldn’t help but smile as I pulled back my right hand crackling with a bright azure light.

I drew in a deep breath and calmly said, “By the authority of the Canon Enforcement Bureau, I deny your reality.” Before he could say a word more my fist already lashed out. It passed right through the mass of red lines about to reach me and instead embedded itself into the very concept of this permutation of this word. It was incredibly fragile, so much so that my single punch was enough to conceptually deny its entire existence.

In the blink of an eye the entire world got covered in thin cracks, then bigger cracks, and in less than a second everything exploded around us at the speed of light. When I opened my eyes again everything was back to normal.

The world was in its original color. Yagami Light was sitting at his desk and eating chips while writing his notes. Ryuk was also in the room but he went invisible to me the moment I switched off my CRO, just as he was supposed to. Finally there was a monochrome man sitting under the window with utter shock on his face.

“what hapened?????? WHAT HAVE u DOOOOOOONE!??!?!1??!!!” He yelled at me while staring at Light. He naturally didn’t take note of him, or me if we are at that. After all, we did not exist in this world…

I walked up to him and cuffed him while he was still in shock. “You are under arrest for one count of illegal canon invasion, one count of resisting arrest and about a million counts of horrible grammar. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“Fuk u!!!1”

I sighed. “Go figure,” I said while retrieving the gag from my belt and placing it into his mouth. It was a small device designed to for class 3 UMSs and up, since they are generally dangerous enough that just letting them speak could allow them to force new continuities into existence, but it worked quite well for just keeping guy like him silent as well. I grabbed him by the collar and tapped on the communicator in my ear. “Ready for extraction.”

“Roger,” Came the voice from the other end of the channel. I only had to wait for a few seconds for the shimmering portal to form on the very tapestry of this reality and for my assistant, Lieutenant June McNamara to enter into the world.  She was lean woman with a bubble cut and thin glasses. She had a sort of klutzy, girlish charm to her that even her neatly ironed uniform couldn’t hide. In fact she could easily pass for a high school girl even though…

“Sir!” She interrupted with a scowl. “Please don’t narrate about me! It’s embarrassing!”

I let out a small chuckle. “Sorry, force of habit.” I said as I removed my narrative override device from behind my other ear and turned it off.

“No it’s not! You are always teasing me like that!”

“It’s every man’s privilege to tease girls.”

“And that! Why do you always have to be so unrepentant about it!?”

“Hehe. Sorry, sorry.”

“We really don’t have time for this! There is a situation brewing in HRP007806.”

“HRP007806? Wasn’t that an approved continuity?”

“It was, but now we need to move in there.”

“What? I literally just finished this job and they need us again? What happened?”

“We had a serious spike a few hours ago and since then we are detecting three canon intrusions of unknown level.”

“Wait, did you say three? And how big of a spike are we talking about?”

“At least level 3, but then he disappeared from the radar.”

“Tch… Let’s get moving then. I have a feeling this is going to be a pain…”

 _,.-'~'-.,__,.-'~'-.,__,.-'~'-.,__,.-'~'-.,__,.-'~'-.,_

Yeah, I know. This chapter came out of the left field, didn't it? 

It was necessary though, for many reasons. First of all, the introduction of the Canon Enforcement Bureau and Colonel Winfred are both very important, namely that I really, really needed to show it how he operates under normal circumstances. Why is that important? Well... Let's just say you will have to read the following few chapters to truly appreciate it. :P

As for the CENB and related matters, my inspiration came from a phenomenon called the Mary Sue Hunter fics, which simply fascinated me as a strange and unexpected way counter-culture and criticism gained form. Of course I will inevitably deconstruct the hell out of the very idea, but I wouldn't be the first one to do that either... Oh well, there is nothing new under the sun, I suppose.

Chapter 2 – Too many Sues spoil the plot

“Is that Hogwarts?” I asked while leaning against the window, my eyes glued to the castle at the horizon.

“Yeah! Biggest wizarding school in all of Nevada!” Said my companion while procuring some sort of canned beverage from her bag.

“That seems wrong somehow…” I said as I looked over to her.

“Oh shut up,” She grunted as she offered one of the cans. “It’s my story and I say that it’s in Nevada. End of discussion.”

“Thanks,” I accepted the drink, “But I still think it’s nonsense. There are no medieval castles in Nevada.”

“Of course there are! They are just hidden by magic! Duh!” She said as she opened her can and began drinking. It was one of those weirdly unidentifiable sodas that everyone was familiar with but no-one could talk about because of copyright reasons. I took a gulp as well and glanced back to the distant structure slowly growing larger as the train approached its destination.

“Actually, that is not even a medieval castle,” I said between two sips. “It’s more like one of those fairytale castles. It’s like a half-assed hodgepodge of architectural styles from completely different periods.”

“Who cares as long as it looks cool? What are you, an architect?”

“I might be…” I answered with a bit more gloom than intended.

“Ouch. Sorry, I guess it’s too soon.”

“Kind of,” I nodded.

For a bit of context, here’s the abridged version of what happened since we first met: she accused me of stealing her spotlight, we recognized I have amnesia and then we retreated to a different, less noisy train car to discuss things. It was kind of silly in retrospect. The amnesia thing, I mean. It’s like arriving to a party only to suddenly realize that you are wearing mismatched socks. You don’t even notice it until it’s pointed out, but then you can’t stop thinking about it and, worst of all, you cannot do anything about it either. It’s just annoying.

On the other hand the experience was surprisingly less nettlesome than expected. I mean, I couldn’t do anything about it, so as much as it irked me I had no reason to fret over it. I thought there would be a bit more angst involved. Weird.

“So, did you remember your name yet?” The girl on my side asked with a smile that was about ten percent reassuring and ninety percent mischievous.

“You are apparently not very familiar with how amnesia works, are you?” I asked before taking another sip from the can. It was a bit too warm but I wasn’t going to complain about a gift.

“Oh, oh! Then can I name you?” She looked at me with sparkling eyes. I rolled mine.

“What am I, a stray dog?”

“Hey, you are the one intruding on my turf! It’s the least that you let me name you!”

“I would rather not.”

“Oh come on!” She stomped. “I have so many great ideas! You will totally love them!”

I sighed and hung my head. “All right, I hear you.”

“Yay! Okay, so how does Quattro Hematoma sound to you?”

I had to pause for a second. “… Like some sort of infectious disease?”

“Now that you mention it, it kinda does… Okay, then how about Dixie Normous?”

“That is even worse.”

“Louis Dikskin?”

“… Can’t you at least try to come up with something that is not a thinly veiled dick joke?”

“Then how abouuuuut…” She cocked her head to the side in one of those exaggerated ‘I’m thinking hard’ poses you often see in cartoons and said, “Ah, I got it! From now on you are Hyman Fuks! Nice to meet you!”

“…” I sent her a sharp glance for about three seconds, giving her ample time to change her mind, then I whacked her over the head with my fist.

“Auauauauuuuu!” Her high-pitched cry in response was weirdly cutesy. Also annoying. Mostly annoying. “What do you think you are doing you idiot! Brute! Thug!” She was yelling at me through a curtain of tears, and I would honestly say her tantrum would have been kind of cute if she wasn’t such a brat. “Owww… You are horrible! How can you hit a fragile girl like that!?”

“You reap what you sow,” I said while downing the last mouthful of soda from the can in my hand. “Also, I didn’t even hit you that hard. My knuckle barely touched your head.”

“It’s the emotional trauma that hurts! You have scarred my young maiden heart for life!”

“Yeah, sure.” I fell silent after a small sigh and began thinking. Sure, the names she was coming up were silly, but she had a point. I needed a name, even if just a temporary one. “How about John Doe?” I blurted out absentmindedly.

“Wut?” Uh… As much as she loves to emphasize how she is a lady, she sure as hell doesn’t act like one…

“John Doe. It’s a placeholder the police uses to call unidentified people.”

“Laaaaaame!”

I raised my hand and she immediately cradled her head in her arms and hastily added. “Just kidding, just kidding!”

“Sheesh…” I shook my head let my hand down. “It should do until I remember my real name.”

“But it’s so boring!” The girl added while still guarding the top of her head. “My names were a million times better!”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head again. “Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would give someone a name like that?”

“E-Excuse me?” Our conversation was interrupted by the pattering of feet as a short, slightly plump boy entered the car with a nervous expression. “Hi, I’m N-Neville. Neville Longbottom. I-I have lost my pet toad. H-Have you seen him?”

I could feel it. I didn’t even need to look, but I had to. As such I turned around and met the shit-eating grin of the girl at my side. “One data point is just anecdote, not evidence.” I told her coldly, not that it stopped her from giggling.

“Hehehe. That’s what you get for taunting the narrative.”

“Whatever,” I couldn’t really hide my frustration so I just tried to move on with the conversation. “But speaking of names, you never introduced yourself, have you?”

The grin slowly withered from the girl’s face as she touched her lips with a thoughtful expression. “Now that you mention it, I really didn’t.”

“Um…  You see, m-my toad is called Trevor and he is about this big…”

“So, what’s your name?”

She turned to me with another grin and offered her hand. “Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith, at your service.” I stared at her hand and I could practically feel my brows slowly knitting together against my will. It was a curious sensation. “Hah! Did you just realize how boring your name is?”

“… No? I am just wondering how you could say that in one breath.”

“Practice.”

“I figured.”

“Um… Trevor is brownish green… or greenish brown? I…”

“Anyways,” I said once I got my thoughts in order again. “Which parts of that should I use?”

“Which part of what?”

“Your name, idiot.”

“Hey! Don’t call me an idiot you idiot!”

I groaned with a little more pronunciation than usual and raised my hand. She immediately went silent and began guarding her head. Okay, I suppose I found her off switch, at least for the time being. God bless Pavlov. I let my arm back down and she peeked out from between her forearms.

“Let’s start this from the beginning, okay?” I sad that while offering a hand. “Call me John.”

She peaked at me for a few more seconds and then said, “Your name is still boring.”

“…”

Thus I smacked her over the head for real this time.

“Ow-ow-ow! Hey!” She protested, but I grabbed her hand and shook it. She seemed displeased but after a few seconds she sighed and returned the shake with a grumpy look. “Call me Mary.” I sighed. That took way more effort than necessary, but at least we were finally on the same page. I let go of her hand, which she reluctantly pulled back while pawing the top of her head. “That hurt! You are horrible!”

“If you say so,” I shrugged my shoulders and began thinking about the next issue of importance, namely the kid nervously fidgeting by our side. “Can we help?”

He looked at me with eyes usually associated with antlered ungulates wandering on highways as he opened his trembling lips. “T-Trevor.”

“Wait!” Mary suddenly butted in with her index finger on her lips. “My impeccable memory tells me that your name was definitely not Trevor but somethingsomething Longass!”

I looked at her with as much thinly veiled annoyance as I could muster. “Trevor is a toad,” I said.

“A-ha!” Mary declared with a defiant smile that was altogether a wee bit too happy a reaction for a correction. “But he is obviously not a frog! Therefore he cannot be Trevor! What can you say to that, huh?!”

I found this to be a perfect opportunity to engage in a practice best described as tactical facepalming. After I was done with that I grabbed Mary by the back of her collar and pulled her away from confused boy. “Hey, what are you doing!? I was about to catch this lying whatshisname Distantbuttocks in the act!” She protested with hands swinging.

“First off, it is Neville Longbottom, thought I have a feeling you are doing it on purpose. Secondly, Trevor is his frog. Finally, you are incredibly annoying so I would like to ask you to stay put, shut up and let me handle this.”

“Hey! Who put you in charge! I am the protagonist of this story! How dare you…” It was around this time that I found an empty cabin, so I gently tossed her inside and locked the door from the outside.

“That was mean,” Said Neville after I returned to him. I shrugged my shoulder.

“Maybe, but I better start teaching her not to derail conversations with completely pointless and annoying gags now before it becomes a habit. She will thank me later.”

“I-If you say so…”

“You monster! Fiend! Spotlight-stealing cat-burglar! Onion-peeler!”

I glanced back at the locked cabin door and counted to three. One… Two… Three… And… All distractions shut out. I breathed out and turned to the boy with a small smile.

“So, you said you needed help, right?”

The boys face immediately perked up the moment I offered assistance. I had to admit he had a bit of a flaky quality to his features but he also seemed to be an honest kid wearing his heart on his sleeve. “You see, my frog…” He began talking but I stopped him.

“I got that part. Where did you last see him?”

“I… In my cabin, I think.”

“Then we better start the search there, don’t we? Lead the way.”

Neville hastily turned around but stopped after only a few steps. “Um… What about your friend?” He asked in a sheepish voice. It actually took me a good second or two to recognize that he was most likely talking about Mary.

“Oh, she will be fine. Don’t worry about her.”

Neville seemed unconvinced but then he gave a small nod and we started moving down the corridor. Neville’s cabin was a few cars down the engine’s direction, only a single car away from where I woke up. I quickly repressed the confusing and annoying memories of that particular chain of encounters and followed him into the compartment in question.

“So this is where you last saw him?” I asked as I glanced around. It seems like all the cabins had the same layout with the two couches, the small table by the window and the storage-compartments overhead.

“Yes,” Neville said nervously and added, “Do you have a spell that can help finding him?”

Now that was something that made me raise a brow. “Spell, you say?” I asked while checking under the seats.

“Y-Yes.” He nodded insecurely. “I thought you might have one.”

“Not really,” I said while checking for gaps on the floor level. “I think good old fashioned legwork should get the job done just as well.” I finally found an opening about the size of my fist. An air hole by the looks of it. “Say, Neville?” I spoke while rising to my feet.

“Y-Yes?”

“How big is this toad of yours again?” For a moment he seemed surprised but then the kid quickly made a few gestures with his hand. “I see,” I said with a small smile and gently pushed him out of the cabin’s entrance.

“Where are you going?”

“Just over here.” I said while knocking on the blinded door of the neighboring cabin. After a second or two the door slowly opened, revealing a lanky man with oily black hair, sunken eyes and draped in black and dark green from head to toe. He looked over me and the shaking Neville at my side and gave us a disapproving glare.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwits?" Said the man with a voice that somehow managed to ooze snobbish conceit, cold disapproval and, for some mysterious reason, the color feldgrau at the same time.

“Now there! That wasn’t very nice, I must say!” I said returning the courtesy with a mixture of righteous indignation, aloof disdain and just a hint of aquamarine. For a few moments the man seemed to be sizing me up from head to toe and then he slowly relaxed his shoulders.

“Do you know who I am?” He asked with a voice much less challenging but just as oily.

“No sir, I can’t say I do.” I answered with similarly reduced hostility.

“I am Professor Severus Snape.”

“Nice name. Allow me to ask for acknowledgement of my approval of its alliterative appeal.”

For a moment the man’s face went lax, but then it just as quickly turned stern again as he raised a brow and pointed at me. “Your name?”

“John Doe, sir.”

“I see,” He blinked very, very slowly, as if to punctuate his thoughts before speaking again. “Mister Doe, could you tell me what gave you the brilliant idea to disturb my sleep?”

“My apologies sir, but is there by perchance a toad in your cabin?” I asked with a smile that was just fake enough to make sure he would notice. Ah, he did. His left eye actually twitched a little. This was actually a little fun.

“I’m afraid not,” He said curtly while sending a glare at me.

“Are you sure, sir? It is a relatively small toad, greenish-brown…”

“Brownish-green…” Chimed in Neville with a voice that was on the verge of crying. I nodded.

“As he says, sir. Quite hard to miss.”

Professor Severus Snape glared at me again and slightly raised his nose to emulate looking down at me. I’m not going to lie; it was a little adorable how hard he was trying.

“I don’t know what kind of prank you are playing mister Doe, but I can assure you that I would be aware of any and all toads in my cabin, be they greenish-brown or brownish-green. Now, if you have nothing else to say I advise you to disappear from my sight and to pray to the high heavens that you will not be sorted to Slytherin, or I swear…!”

Just then, as per the unwritten laws of comedic timing, there was a surprisingly loud ribbit resounding in the car accompanied by a large frog slowly making its way out of the cabin between the good professor’s legs.

“Oh my!” I gasped theatrically while Neville happily scooped the rascal into his hands. In the meantime Snape’s face slowly twisted and then just as slowly returned to its previous stoic glory. For a few seconds neither of us said anything.

“That is a very sneaky frog,” Said professor Snape, a line made all the funnier by the twitching eye and the forced nonchalance.

“He is sir. He is.” I nodded wisely. “Now if you excuse us, we better leave now. Sorry for disturbing your power nap.”

“…” The man didn’t say a word, just silently glared at us as we left right until the moment we entered Neville’s cabin. I sat down and let out a deep sigh. In the meantime Neville finally got over the shock and was happily petting Trevor, who in turn appeared to be enduring it with stoic melancholy.

“Say, Neville?”

The boy glanced up at me in surprise as if he just realized I was still around. “Y-Yes?” He answered meekly.

“Could I ask you a favor?”

“Yes! Anything!” Neville answered with an enthusiasm that I have never seen from him before. Though to be fair I only knew him for a few minutes, so that wasn’t all that surprising.

“Could you tell me all you know about Hogwarts and magic?”

He seemed a bit baffled by my question but nodded immediately, “Yes. Everything I know. Roger!”

I couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm. It appears I successfully managed to make my first friend. Also my first enemy. Oh, and there was my first annoying acquaintance as well locked away. I should make a note to make sure I won’t forget about her… later.

All things considered I was pretty well off, especially considering the circumstances. I wonder what comes next…?

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This chapter was practically dedicated to introducing John and Mary as main characters and their chemistry for the rest of the series. I honestly had no real grasp on them until I actually began writing since, as I said in the AN of the last chapter, this pretty much started out as an in-joke. In the end I settled down on their current personalities simply because of their comedic value.

Also, if we are the characters... Giving names to them is hard! Well, not in this case, as I have a few themes going on here that helped (Mary's full name in particular is supposed to be evocative of a certain infamous Mary Sue), but picking character names can be excruciatingly hard when you have a big cast. Of course there is always the "I punch the keyboard a few times and call it a day" method, but I consider that cheap. Unless you are writing fantasy, of course. Then anything goes.

Oh, and before I forget it: If anyone can pinpoint where Snape's first line comes from, they get a free e-cookie. :P