Chapter 2 – Too many Sues spoil the plot

“Is that Hogwarts?” I asked while leaning against the window, my eyes glued to the castle at the horizon.

“Yeah! Biggest wizarding school in all of Nevada!” Said my companion while procuring some sort of canned beverage from her bag.

“That seems wrong somehow…” I said as I looked over to her.

“Oh shut up,” She grunted as she offered one of the cans. “It’s my story and I say that it’s in Nevada. End of discussion.”

“Thanks,” I accepted the drink, “But I still think it’s nonsense. There are no medieval castles in Nevada.”

“Of course there are! They are just hidden by magic! Duh!” She said as she opened her can and began drinking. It was one of those weirdly unidentifiable sodas that everyone was familiar with but no-one could talk about because of copyright reasons. I took a gulp as well and glanced back to the distant structure slowly growing larger as the train approached its destination.

“Actually, that is not even a medieval castle,” I said between two sips. “It’s more like one of those fairytale castles. It’s like a half-assed hodgepodge of architectural styles from completely different periods.”

“Who cares as long as it looks cool? What are you, an architect?”

“I might be…” I answered with a bit more gloom than intended.

“Ouch. Sorry, I guess it’s too soon.”

“Kind of,” I nodded.

For a bit of context, here’s the abridged version of what happened since we first met: she accused me of stealing her spotlight, we recognized I have amnesia and then we retreated to a different, less noisy train car to discuss things. It was kind of silly in retrospect. The amnesia thing, I mean. It’s like arriving to a party only to suddenly realize that you are wearing mismatched socks. You don’t even notice it until it’s pointed out, but then you can’t stop thinking about it and, worst of all, you cannot do anything about it either. It’s just annoying.

On the other hand the experience was surprisingly less nettlesome than expected. I mean, I couldn’t do anything about it, so as much as it irked me I had no reason to fret over it. I thought there would be a bit more angst involved. Weird.

“So, did you remember your name yet?” The girl on my side asked with a smile that was about ten percent reassuring and ninety percent mischievous.

“You are apparently not very familiar with how amnesia works, are you?” I asked before taking another sip from the can. It was a bit too warm but I wasn’t going to complain about a gift.

“Oh, oh! Then can I name you?” She looked at me with sparkling eyes. I rolled mine.

“What am I, a stray dog?”

“Hey, you are the one intruding on my turf! It’s the least that you let me name you!”

“I would rather not.”

“Oh come on!” She stomped. “I have so many great ideas! You will totally love them!”

I sighed and hung my head. “All right, I hear you.”

“Yay! Okay, so how does Quattro Hematoma sound to you?”

I had to pause for a second. “… Like some sort of infectious disease?”

“Now that you mention it, it kinda does… Okay, then how about Dixie Normous?”

“That is even worse.”

“Louis Dikskin?”

“… Can’t you at least try to come up with something that is not a thinly veiled dick joke?”

“Then how abouuuuut…” She cocked her head to the side in one of those exaggerated ‘I’m thinking hard’ poses you often see in cartoons and said, “Ah, I got it! From now on you are Hyman Fuks! Nice to meet you!”

“…” I sent her a sharp glance for about three seconds, giving her ample time to change her mind, then I whacked her over the head with my fist.

“Auauauauuuuu!” Her high-pitched cry in response was weirdly cutesy. Also annoying. Mostly annoying. “What do you think you are doing you idiot! Brute! Thug!” She was yelling at me through a curtain of tears, and I would honestly say her tantrum would have been kind of cute if she wasn’t such a brat. “Owww… You are horrible! How can you hit a fragile girl like that!?”

“You reap what you sow,” I said while downing the last mouthful of soda from the can in my hand. “Also, I didn’t even hit you that hard. My knuckle barely touched your head.”

“It’s the emotional trauma that hurts! You have scarred my young maiden heart for life!”

“Yeah, sure.” I fell silent after a small sigh and began thinking. Sure, the names she was coming up were silly, but she had a point. I needed a name, even if just a temporary one. “How about John Doe?” I blurted out absentmindedly.

“Wut?” Uh… As much as she loves to emphasize how she is a lady, she sure as hell doesn’t act like one…

“John Doe. It’s a placeholder the police uses to call unidentified people.”

“Laaaaaame!”

I raised my hand and she immediately cradled her head in her arms and hastily added. “Just kidding, just kidding!”

“Sheesh…” I shook my head let my hand down. “It should do until I remember my real name.”

“But it’s so boring!” The girl added while still guarding the top of her head. “My names were a million times better!”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head again. “Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would give someone a name like that?”

“E-Excuse me?” Our conversation was interrupted by the pattering of feet as a short, slightly plump boy entered the car with a nervous expression. “Hi, I’m N-Neville. Neville Longbottom. I-I have lost my pet toad. H-Have you seen him?”

I could feel it. I didn’t even need to look, but I had to. As such I turned around and met the shit-eating grin of the girl at my side. “One data point is just anecdote, not evidence.” I told her coldly, not that it stopped her from giggling.

“Hehehe. That’s what you get for taunting the narrative.”

“Whatever,” I couldn’t really hide my frustration so I just tried to move on with the conversation. “But speaking of names, you never introduced yourself, have you?”

The grin slowly withered from the girl’s face as she touched her lips with a thoughtful expression. “Now that you mention it, I really didn’t.”

“Um…  You see, m-my toad is called Trevor and he is about this big…”

“So, what’s your name?”

She turned to me with another grin and offered her hand. “Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith, at your service.” I stared at her hand and I could practically feel my brows slowly knitting together against my will. It was a curious sensation. “Hah! Did you just realize how boring your name is?”

“… No? I am just wondering how you could say that in one breath.”

“Practice.”

“I figured.”

“Um… Trevor is brownish green… or greenish brown? I…”

“Anyways,” I said once I got my thoughts in order again. “Which parts of that should I use?”

“Which part of what?”

“Your name, idiot.”

“Hey! Don’t call me an idiot you idiot!”

I groaned with a little more pronunciation than usual and raised my hand. She immediately went silent and began guarding her head. Okay, I suppose I found her off switch, at least for the time being. God bless Pavlov. I let my arm back down and she peeked out from between her forearms.

“Let’s start this from the beginning, okay?” I sad that while offering a hand. “Call me John.”

She peaked at me for a few more seconds and then said, “Your name is still boring.”

“…”

Thus I smacked her over the head for real this time.

“Ow-ow-ow! Hey!” She protested, but I grabbed her hand and shook it. She seemed displeased but after a few seconds she sighed and returned the shake with a grumpy look. “Call me Mary.” I sighed. That took way more effort than necessary, but at least we were finally on the same page. I let go of her hand, which she reluctantly pulled back while pawing the top of her head. “That hurt! You are horrible!”

“If you say so,” I shrugged my shoulders and began thinking about the next issue of importance, namely the kid nervously fidgeting by our side. “Can we help?”

He looked at me with eyes usually associated with antlered ungulates wandering on highways as he opened his trembling lips. “T-Trevor.”

“Wait!” Mary suddenly butted in with her index finger on her lips. “My impeccable memory tells me that your name was definitely not Trevor but somethingsomething Longass!”

I looked at her with as much thinly veiled annoyance as I could muster. “Trevor is a toad,” I said.

“A-ha!” Mary declared with a defiant smile that was altogether a wee bit too happy a reaction for a correction. “But he is obviously not a frog! Therefore he cannot be Trevor! What can you say to that, huh?!”

I found this to be a perfect opportunity to engage in a practice best described as tactical facepalming. After I was done with that I grabbed Mary by the back of her collar and pulled her away from confused boy. “Hey, what are you doing!? I was about to catch this lying whatshisname Distantbuttocks in the act!” She protested with hands swinging.

“First off, it is Neville Longbottom, thought I have a feeling you are doing it on purpose. Secondly, Trevor is his frog. Finally, you are incredibly annoying so I would like to ask you to stay put, shut up and let me handle this.”

“Hey! Who put you in charge! I am the protagonist of this story! How dare you…” It was around this time that I found an empty cabin, so I gently tossed her inside and locked the door from the outside.

“That was mean,” Said Neville after I returned to him. I shrugged my shoulder.

“Maybe, but I better start teaching her not to derail conversations with completely pointless and annoying gags now before it becomes a habit. She will thank me later.”

“I-If you say so…”

“You monster! Fiend! Spotlight-stealing cat-burglar! Onion-peeler!”

I glanced back at the locked cabin door and counted to three. One… Two… Three… And… All distractions shut out. I breathed out and turned to the boy with a small smile.

“So, you said you needed help, right?”

The boys face immediately perked up the moment I offered assistance. I had to admit he had a bit of a flaky quality to his features but he also seemed to be an honest kid wearing his heart on his sleeve. “You see, my frog…” He began talking but I stopped him.

“I got that part. Where did you last see him?”

“I… In my cabin, I think.”

“Then we better start the search there, don’t we? Lead the way.”

Neville hastily turned around but stopped after only a few steps. “Um… What about your friend?” He asked in a sheepish voice. It actually took me a good second or two to recognize that he was most likely talking about Mary.

“Oh, she will be fine. Don’t worry about her.”

Neville seemed unconvinced but then he gave a small nod and we started moving down the corridor. Neville’s cabin was a few cars down the engine’s direction, only a single car away from where I woke up. I quickly repressed the confusing and annoying memories of that particular chain of encounters and followed him into the compartment in question.

“So this is where you last saw him?” I asked as I glanced around. It seems like all the cabins had the same layout with the two couches, the small table by the window and the storage-compartments overhead.

“Yes,” Neville said nervously and added, “Do you have a spell that can help finding him?”

Now that was something that made me raise a brow. “Spell, you say?” I asked while checking under the seats.

“Y-Yes.” He nodded insecurely. “I thought you might have one.”

“Not really,” I said while checking for gaps on the floor level. “I think good old fashioned legwork should get the job done just as well.” I finally found an opening about the size of my fist. An air hole by the looks of it. “Say, Neville?” I spoke while rising to my feet.

“Y-Yes?”

“How big is this toad of yours again?” For a moment he seemed surprised but then the kid quickly made a few gestures with his hand. “I see,” I said with a small smile and gently pushed him out of the cabin’s entrance.

“Where are you going?”

“Just over here.” I said while knocking on the blinded door of the neighboring cabin. After a second or two the door slowly opened, revealing a lanky man with oily black hair, sunken eyes and draped in black and dark green from head to toe. He looked over me and the shaking Neville at my side and gave us a disapproving glare.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwits?" Said the man with a voice that somehow managed to ooze snobbish conceit, cold disapproval and, for some mysterious reason, the color feldgrau at the same time.

“Now there! That wasn’t very nice, I must say!” I said returning the courtesy with a mixture of righteous indignation, aloof disdain and just a hint of aquamarine. For a few moments the man seemed to be sizing me up from head to toe and then he slowly relaxed his shoulders.

“Do you know who I am?” He asked with a voice much less challenging but just as oily.

“No sir, I can’t say I do.” I answered with similarly reduced hostility.

“I am Professor Severus Snape.”

“Nice name. Allow me to ask for acknowledgement of my approval of its alliterative appeal.”

For a moment the man’s face went lax, but then it just as quickly turned stern again as he raised a brow and pointed at me. “Your name?”

“John Doe, sir.”

“I see,” He blinked very, very slowly, as if to punctuate his thoughts before speaking again. “Mister Doe, could you tell me what gave you the brilliant idea to disturb my sleep?”

“My apologies sir, but is there by perchance a toad in your cabin?” I asked with a smile that was just fake enough to make sure he would notice. Ah, he did. His left eye actually twitched a little. This was actually a little fun.

“I’m afraid not,” He said curtly while sending a glare at me.

“Are you sure, sir? It is a relatively small toad, greenish-brown…”

“Brownish-green…” Chimed in Neville with a voice that was on the verge of crying. I nodded.

“As he says, sir. Quite hard to miss.”

Professor Severus Snape glared at me again and slightly raised his nose to emulate looking down at me. I’m not going to lie; it was a little adorable how hard he was trying.

“I don’t know what kind of prank you are playing mister Doe, but I can assure you that I would be aware of any and all toads in my cabin, be they greenish-brown or brownish-green. Now, if you have nothing else to say I advise you to disappear from my sight and to pray to the high heavens that you will not be sorted to Slytherin, or I swear…!”

Just then, as per the unwritten laws of comedic timing, there was a surprisingly loud ribbit resounding in the car accompanied by a large frog slowly making its way out of the cabin between the good professor’s legs.

“Oh my!” I gasped theatrically while Neville happily scooped the rascal into his hands. In the meantime Snape’s face slowly twisted and then just as slowly returned to its previous stoic glory. For a few seconds neither of us said anything.

“That is a very sneaky frog,” Said professor Snape, a line made all the funnier by the twitching eye and the forced nonchalance.

“He is sir. He is.” I nodded wisely. “Now if you excuse us, we better leave now. Sorry for disturbing your power nap.”

“…” The man didn’t say a word, just silently glared at us as we left right until the moment we entered Neville’s cabin. I sat down and let out a deep sigh. In the meantime Neville finally got over the shock and was happily petting Trevor, who in turn appeared to be enduring it with stoic melancholy.

“Say, Neville?”

The boy glanced up at me in surprise as if he just realized I was still around. “Y-Yes?” He answered meekly.

“Could I ask you a favor?”

“Yes! Anything!” Neville answered with an enthusiasm that I have never seen from him before. Though to be fair I only knew him for a few minutes, so that wasn’t all that surprising.

“Could you tell me all you know about Hogwarts and magic?”

He seemed a bit baffled by my question but nodded immediately, “Yes. Everything I know. Roger!”

I couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm. It appears I successfully managed to make my first friend. Also my first enemy. Oh, and there was my first annoying acquaintance as well locked away. I should make a note to make sure I won’t forget about her… later.

All things considered I was pretty well off, especially considering the circumstances. I wonder what comes next…?

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This chapter was practically dedicated to introducing John and Mary as main characters and their chemistry for the rest of the series. I honestly had no real grasp on them until I actually began writing since, as I said in the AN of the last chapter, this pretty much started out as an in-joke. In the end I settled down on their current personalities simply because of their comedic value.

Also, if we are the characters... Giving names to them is hard! Well, not in this case, as I have a few themes going on here that helped (Mary's full name in particular is supposed to be evocative of a certain infamous Mary Sue), but picking character names can be excruciatingly hard when you have a big cast. Of course there is always the "I punch the keyboard a few times and call it a day" method, but I consider that cheap. Unless you are writing fantasy, of course. Then anything goes.

Oh, and before I forget it: If anyone can pinpoint where Snape's first line comes from, they get a free e-cookie. :P