Chapter 5 – We need an adult!

“Wait, let me see if I got this… You say Hogwarts, the mystical and whimsical magical school of Nevada,” For a moment I had to stop and roll my eyes, “…has an entire house dedicated to nurture the worst sociopaths in the wizarding world into future dark lords and death-eaters, and everyone is okay with that?”

“Pretty much, yes,” Nodded Ron as our small group caught up with the rest of the first year students en route to the castle.

“Isn’t that really, really dangerous? And stupid?”

He shrugged his shoulders in response and just said, “Tradition.”

“It still doesn’t seem right… I mean…” I stopped on my track and glanced back. “Did you hear that?”

“What?” Asked Harry incredulously. “The scream?

“Of course I mean the scream!” I said as I tried to catch a gap between the horde of students marching around us. “I think it’s getting closer. Let me check.”

“Hey! Don’t get out of the line, you will get lost again!” Protested Hermione. She was still following after me though.

I squeezed my way through the torrent of robed kids and teenagers and finally managed to get to the side of the road. By then the scream sounded like it came from right next to me…

“Uwooooooooooooo!!!”

 As I stopped and thought about it for a second, I had to conclude that it actually sounded more like a battle cry than anything. “I wonder what’s going on…” I mused as I raised my head in the direction of the sound and my eyes immediately met with… the sole of a shoe…

…

That didn’t seem right. I looked a bit closer, and by that I mean a bit farther and behind the shoe, and I found a leg, followed by a strategically placed skirt-flap in the perfect position to blot out the possible panty-shot. My eyes moved further up and thus I finally met with the beet-red face of a ponytailed girl. She seemed familiar…

“… Ah, I remember now!” I said as I took a step to the left, allowing the flying kick to safely sail past me.

“Wha…?” That was all she managed to say before she planted herself face-first into the grass by the roadside. A few of the students walking by seemed to be curious about the spectacle but they moved on nevertheless. Ah, collective responsibility syndrome in action. As peculiar as depressing…

“Ptooo-ptooo!” The girl spit out the grass blades trapped between her lips and jumped to her feet with a face still red as a lobster. “You monster! Why did you dodge that?! I could have broken my neck!”

“Says the girl whose idea of greeting is a flying dragon kick. How could you even do that in a robe?”

She straightened herself with arms akimbo and grinned at me. “Practice,” She said with childish glee.

I gave her a sagely nod. “I see. Very impressive.”

“I know! It’s actually a lot harder than the movies would make you believe, but as long as you…” She suddenly stopped and the childish grin on her face quickly gave way to her previous scowl. “Don’t try to change the subject you bastard! You completely forgot about me!”

“Really?” I stopped for a moment and carefully scratched my chin. “… Now that I think about it, I might have.”

“Not ‘might have’! You totally have! You locked me up and forgot about me! Monster! Demon! Fiend!”

It was around this point when the rest of the gang managed to make their way through the stream of students and arrived at the scene as well. Ron was still eating some beans, though I would have sworn he already threw away at least two empty boxes. Hermione seemed to be flustered as usual while Harry looked more awkward than anything,

“A friend of yours?” He asked somewhat meekly.

“No,” I answered immediately. It surprised even me how quick it was. Aaah, it’s good to know my better judgment is still running perfectly fine even after the amnesia.

“What? How can you say that with a straight face?!” Protested Mary with a face like an abandoned kitten.  Wait, are kittens made of pure annoying? No? Sorry then, wrong analogy.

“Why, are we?” I asked with a stoic visage.

She fell silent for a moment than mumbled, “No, but it still hurts if you deny it like that… Jerk…” She appeared gloomy but a moment later she perked up again like nothing happened. She gave a cutesy wave to the group and said, “Hello, I am Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith! Nice to meet you!”

Harry and Ron exchanged a few incongruous glances while Hermione just said, “Well, that’s most certainly…” She paused for a moment, “…a name.”

“Also a mouthful.” Added Ron, snickering. Mary didn’t seem to mind; instead she focused her attention on me again. I had a bad feeling about it, so I cleared my throat and gave the group a cheerful smile.

“Well then, now that you have met her we should move on, shouldn’t we? Let’s go!”

I couldn’t even take the first step before I was stopped on my track by a needlessly high-pitched voice. “Oh no you don’t! I haven’t finished with you, JD!”

That last bit caught me off-guard. I slowly tilted my head to the side and repeated the word, “JD?”

“Yes!” Chirped Mary, still uselessly hyper and for some reason apparently very proud of herself.

“Who is that?”

“You, of course!” I proceeded to slowly tilt my head the other way but it still made no sense. Mary stomped her feet and pointed at me in response. “John Doe sounds lame and boring, so I am going to call you JD from now on! It’s much better!”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is!”

“… Okay,” I crossed my arms, “Then from now on I will call you MCSTFFS.”

“… That sounds stupid.” Said MCSTFFS with a sour expression.

“That just means it fits well.”

“Agh! I try to make your stupid name sound better and that’s how you thank me! Idiot! Oaf! Dunderhead”

“Is this what a lovers’ quarrel looks like?” Asked Hermione under her breath, but it was obvious she made it just loud enough for us to hear.

“No,” I replied hastily. “Also, you are like twelve. You shouldn’t even know what that means.”

“…” She shook her head in exhaustion and turned heel. “We should get going or we’ll be left behind.”

I was not going to argue with that. I followed after her… or at least I would have, if my robes weren’t yanked back as I took the first step.

“Ouch! Hey, what are you doing!?” I looked back and, surprise-surprise, Mary was pulling me towards the train station.

“You are not going anywhere until you help me with my luggage!”

“… Wait, what? Am I the only one who can’t follow this?”

“My luggage!” She repeated angrily as she was still pulling on my robes. Actually she looked kind of adorable while tugging on me like that, like a dumb puppy pulling on its leash and thinking that it’s the reason why its owner is moving forward. Except she wasn’t really. Adorable, I mean. The dumb puppy part was more or less accurate though.

“Wait, let me get this straight. You rushed after me only to get me to carry your luggage?”

“Yup!” She nodded enthusiastically.

“Why?”

“Because you owe me one?”

“For what?”

“For locking me up in that cabin and forgetting me?”

“Actually, how did you get out?” I asked in an attempt to change the topic, but her response actually piqued my interest. She suddenly went pale and shuddered.

“I was shouting for help for a while, and then this really dark guy opened the door…”

“Dark guy?”

“REALLY dark guy! Like, villain-dark! With black robes and sunken eyes and everything!”

“… You mean Professor Snape?”

She glared at me like I just said something really weird. “Ha-ha. Very funny.”

“What? He fits the description.”

“No he doesn’t! Snape is totally handsome and a lot younger, and he is just a tortured soul waiting for that special girl to-”

“Nope,” I interrupted, “I am pretty sure we are not talking about the same man.”

“Damn straight we aren’t! My Snape wouldn’t scare me like that!”

“… You were scared of Snape!”

“No I wasn’t!” She protested. “I was scared of that weird dark guy!”

“And now you want me to go back there to get your luggage because you are afraid of him.”

“Yes. I mean, NO! … I mean… maybe a little.”

I let out a big sigh and glanced back at the others. “Sorry guys, it seems like I…”

…

Correction: I glanced back at the empty space where the others used to be about two minutes ago. “What the hell guys?! What the actual hell!?” I dropped my shoulders in exasperation and turned back to Mary with a groan. “All right, I help you get your luggage miss MCSTFFS.”

“… Are you seriously going to call me th-?“ It is exactly this far she got in her sentence before we were both startled by a new voice.

“Stop right there!”

It was a deep baritone marred by exhaustion and came from the lofty man rushing at us from the side. I was honestly too baffled to react to this development but Mary apparently had no problem with defending herself, at least as far as getting behind me and using me as a shield could be considered ‘self defense’. Reeeeeeally classy.

Well, at least now she wasn’t in my way so I could take a good look at the man running towards us. He was tall, as I already mentioned, but not too heavily built. At first glance I thought he was wearing a robe but once he got closer I realized that he was actually dressed in a heavy trench coat with some sort of uniform underneath it. He also wore a wide-brimmed hat that cast a shadow over his face, so all I could make out in the evening light was a stubbed chin.

By the time he reached us Mary came out of hiding from behind me with a relieved expression. “Oh, it isn’t the dark guy. It’s all right then,” She said. I wagged my head a little. Just what did Snape do to her to scare her so much? Then I remembered the guy’s face and realized that, under the right conditions, I would have been scared witless by him as well. But back to the current situation…

The man stopped from a good five steps away from us and glared at me. Or at least I presume he glared at me. As I said, I couldn’t really see his face that well. “I’ve got him.” He said while touching his ear. “No, my narrative override still doesn’t work, but I can deal with him.” He seemed quite agitated.

“Hey, do you know this guy?” I asked the girl cautiously tugging on my sleeve.

“Nope. I don’t even have a clue.”

After he finished talking into his ear the man took a step closer while pulling on his leather gloves. “I am Colonel Troy Winfred, Canon Enforcement Bureau, Special Enforcement Division. We need to talk.”

I peeked at Mary but she seemed to be just as confused as I was. Oh well, here goes nothing. “Good evening sir. I’m John Doe…”

“And I am Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith.” Butted in Mary.

“Would you stop shoving your name down people’s throats? It’s annoying.” I said accompanied by a whack on the top of her head.

“Owowowowoooooooow! You did it again! You are even horribler that I thought! You are the horriblest!”

“… I am pretty sure that is not a word.” I brushed her off and faced the man again. “Can I help you?”

Colonel Wilfred Troy seemed to be quite confused. I didn’t blame him. Being confused is the mildest symptom of being around this natural disaster rubbing her head at my side. He collected himself pretty quickly though and extended his arm towards us, his stretched index finger pointing right at me.

“I don’t know what kind of game you are playing or how you disabled my narrative override, but it all ends here! I am authorized to use lethal force if necessary, so…”

“Excuse me, but what are you talking about?” I interrupted.

“It means that I am going to take you in, whether you like it or not. Get ready.” As per his words he took up a stance that one would expect from a fighting-game character. Ugh. This was going to be a pain in the neck, won’t it?

“Hey-hey-hey!” I raised my hands in defense. “I really don’t understand what’s going on here, but…”

“I’ve got this!” Came the declaration from the one person I really, really didn’t need to get herself involved.

“What are you doing?” I hissed through my teeth as Mary stepped forward and stood forth in a straddle, arms akimbo.

“Don’t worry JD, I know exactly how to deal with a guy like this!”

The man didn’t say a word but he seemed to change his stance according, dividing his focus on both Mary and me. She smirked, then pointed at the guy, took an extremely deep breath and shouted…

“Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape!!!!!!”

…

For a second I couldn’t do anything besides blinking in complete and utter bewilderment; and I wasn’t the only one, with the colonel also completely dropping his guard.

“What?!”

“Bad touch! Bad touch!” Mary kept yelling from the top of her lungs completely disregarding our confusion. “This suspicious stranger said he will take us by force! We need an adult! Bad touch! Bad touch!”

“No, I didn’t mean…!”

“What seems to be the problem?” For a moment I was afraid that we just invited another weird character into our midst and at first glance I was almost sure that was the case. The large man appearing out of the woods almost dwarfed the good colonel in overall size, although there wasn’t much of a different between their heights. The girth, on the other hand…

This man was big and his size was made even more intimidating by his huge, bushy beard and long curly hair. His eyes on the other hand seemed surprisingly gentle as he looked over us. In the end his gaze settled on Mary and he spoke with a voice almost too soft for a man of that size. “Did you call for help? Are you all right?”

“Yes sir!” She nodded enthusiastically. “Please help! This pervert tried to molest us!”

The giant man blinked at her uncomprehendingly “Excuse me?”

“She means she threatened and tried to attack us,” I sprang to the rescue.

“Is that true?” Asked the man while glaring at the colonel. Now his eyes suddenly were fitting for a giant like that, and I was honestly happy his attention wasn’t focused on me. The man in the trench coat on the other hand visibly gulped and took a step backwards. It seemed like he was conflicted for a moment but in the end he just cursed under his breath and glared at me.

“This is not over yet!” He hissed at me and immediately broke into a dash along the road.

“Stop right there!” Shouted the bearded man and rushed after the colonel, albeit his large legs seemed to be more efficient at getting in his way than propelling him forwards. In the meantime Mary whirled around and grinned at me with childish glee.

“You see, I told you I got it!”

“… Sure.” I said while rubbing my temple.

“I was cool, wasn’t I? I totally stood up against that guy and won!”

“…… Sure.”

“Do you know what this means? Now you owe me twice! Once for locking me up and now for me saving you!”

“……… Sure, but…” I gestured towards her. “Would you come a little closer please?”

She immediately came over although somewhat suspiciously. “Why? What’s the problem?” She asked innocently. I looked at her, deep in her eye, and then…

*whack*

Chapter 4 – A wizard did it

“Wingardi-what?”

“Wingardium leviosa,” Repeated Neville after glancing back to his textbook to double-check.

“That just sounds silly,” I said with a small frown. “I mean, come on. Pig Latin? Really?”

“Wouldn’t that be ingway evitatelay?” Said Ron absentmindedly between two snacks.

“Yeah, you are right. What do you call this then?” I posited and Ron answered again with a bored expression.

“Verbal derivatives designed to sound cool?”

“Let’s go with that,” I said and wrote it down into the notebook Neville lent me. We have been doing this for a while now, with Neville giving me all sorts of details and tidbits he could remember and me making notes of it. He wasn’t exactly the smartest guy on the planet but he was nice, eager and he actually gave me a lot of good clues.

Then Ron Weasley came along a short time afterwards asking if he could move over here because the other cabin was getting a bit rowdy. When I asked him about the state of the place when he left he said they were mostly just groping each other and mashing their butts together, among other things. His description sounded weirdly nauseating so I cut him off at that point before he could get to the more elaborate acts, though I had to admit I was at least a little curious about the one involving a duck made of macaroni and mayonnaise and two chocolate frogs. Not curious enough to risk my sanity though.

I leaned back and stretched out a little while collecting my thoughts. My amnesia proved to be surprisingly spotty, as I quickly discovered that I remembered quite a number of important things as well as a bunch of useless trivia. For example, I knew that the headmaster of Hogwarts is a man named Albus Bumbledore, the greatest wizard of this generation and the he owner of one awesome wizard beard, or that there were four houses students got assigned to upon entry. There was also something about a Dark Lord and such, though that one was a bit foggier. Oh well, I might as well ask my newfound companions about it.

“Hey guys, what can you tell me about Voldemort?”

The two boys’ reactions were practically polar opposites. Neville went pale and hid himself behind his trembling book while Ron just raised an eyebrow and put his snacks down.

“You know, most people don’t really call him by his name.” He said while leaning closer. “It’s a bit of a bad omen.”

“Oh come on! I get it that you are wizards, but isn’t that all the more reason to be less superstitious about things like this? I mean, it’s not like one of those urban legends where a person appears when you call his name in the mirror.” I glanced a Neville, still hiding behind his book and added, “Right?”

Ron chuckled at my side and leaned back. “You can never know. He was the Dark Lord after all.”

“Thanks for reminding me, that’s another thing I wanted to ask. Just who the hell calls himself ’the Dark Lord’? Isn’t that like advertising that you are up to no good?”

“W-Well, he really was up to no good.” Said Neville timidly.

“My point still stands.” I said as I crossed my arms. “And speaking of which, he apparently disappeared and that Harry kid from the other cabin gets all the applause for it. He was just a baby when it happened! If anyone should be considered a hero, it should be his parents! They were the ones who killed your scary Dark Lord, weren’t they?”

“He is your scary Dark Lord too, you know…” Said Neville.

“You know what I meant. I also don’t like how he just ‘disappeared’. That is practically the recipe for a sudden reveal about him still being around and hiding.”

“Don’t say things like that!” Protested Neville from behind his book.

 “Well, “ Ron smiled mischievously, “Maybe he is actually hiding nearby. On this very train even!”

Suddenly the cabin door opened with a creak, prompting Neville to jump off the couch and try to hide under it. Ugh… Maybe we teased the poor kid a bit too much. In addition, I suppose I should really add ‘comedic convenience’ to my notes under the other laws of the universe… Eh, maybe later.

That said I focused my attention to the man poking his head into the cabin. He was a twitchy looking fellow with a pale complexion and a weird, purple turban on his head. He looked over the three of us and settled on me, as I was the closest to the door.

“Good evening young men. Could you tell me where I can find Professor Snape?”

“Most certainly,” I told him and pointed at the wall behind me with my thumb. “Right over there. Though I would advise against bothering him. He is apparently having a beauty nap.”

He stared at me blankly for a moment, probably wondering if I was serious or not, then his lips slowly widened into a thin, nervous smile. “Thank you,” He said and closed the door behind him.

“I wonder who that was,” I said absentmindedly as I tapped Neville on the shoulder. “You can get up now, it wasn’t Voldemort.”

“Or was he?” Added Ron ominously.

“No, he wasn’t. At least he sure as hell didn’t look like a Dark Lord to me. I mean, where are the black clothes and the spikes?”

The redhead boy seemed to be thinking for a moment, then smiled, “Maybe he was hiding under his turban?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I groaned as I helped Neville up from the ground. “Who heard of a Dark Lord small enough to fit under a turban!”

“Thanks. That really startled me.” Said Neville in a mousy voice as I helped him dust off the back of his robes.

“You are welcome,” I said while taking seat again. “But seriously, was that a teacher?”

“Probably the annual Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher,” Came the answer from Ron who was in the middle of unpacking another load of sweets.

“Just how many of those do you have?” I asked while pointing at the box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Damn, that name is a mouthful… Anyways, he looked over at the box in his hand and shrugged his shoulders.

“What? I like them. There are even pancake flavored ones.”

I sighed. “Never mind… By the way, what did you mean by ‘annual’?”

“You mean the teacher? There is a rumor that the position is cursed and that the seat of the teacher in charge of Defense Against the Dark Arts can only be held for one year by anyone.”

“Is it something like an urban legend?”

“I don’t really know, but my brothers said that there was a new DADA teacher every year for at least a decade. That sounds pretty real to me.”

“Do they all fall ill or something?”

“That’s the kicker! They all left for different reasons. It’s pretty spooky,” He said as he popped a brownish bean into his mouth. A moment later his eyes went wide open and he immediately spit it out. “Blergh! Maple syrup! I hate maple syrup!” He groaned as he was clawing at his tongue.

“… Oooookay, that was weird,” I said while inching away from the saliva-drenched bean on the cabin floor. “But on the previous topic, isn’t that pretty bad? I mean really, really bad?”

“What do you mean?” Asked Neville in place of Ron who was in the middle of rinsing his mouth. Some people have the weirdest peeves… Anyways, I turned towards him to explain my point.

“You see, saying that there is a ‘curse’ is all fine and dandy, but have you thought of the implications of what that means? It would require the curse to manipulate the entire world. Hell, the entire universe! It would have to change probabilities and pull the strings of everything and everyone in that school! Free will and causality both go right out the window! Who would do something like that?”

“A wizard?” Said Ron after regaining his composure. I stared at him for a moment and just dropped my head.

“Sure,” I said as I grabbed hold of my notebook and added ‘A wizard did it!’ under the Laws of the Universe section. Oh, I should also add the one about comedic convenience if I am here. It might have sounded silly but it was still better to learn about these things early rather than to get bogged down by some seemingly illogical mess later down the line. I nodded to myself as I closed the notebook and glanced at the window. “We are almost there, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we should arrive to Hogwarts shortly.” said Neville with wistful eyes as he stared at the lights of the castle in the evening twilight.

“I should go and get my bags,” said Ron while rising to his feet. “I left them in the other cabin.”

“That reminds me…” I stood up as well and let out a sigh the size of Jupiter. “I should see if I have any luggage as well.”

“If?” Neville tilted his head curiously.

“It’s complicated,” I sad as I reached for the handle on the door. “We better get going. See you in school, Neville.”

“Yeah. Good luck with the sorting hat,” quipped Ron accompanied by a pat on the back.

“O-Okay. See you later!” Chirped the boy as we left. We quickly made our way down the train car, making extra sure that we walked very quietly in front of Professor Snape’s cabin.

Once we were in the clear I turned around and whispered to Ron “Sorting hat? Really?”

He chuckled and gave me a pat on the back as well, “You’ll see.”

With that we returned to our original cabin, only to meet with the most surprising and off the wall scene I could have ever imagined. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were… quietly chatting with all their clothes still on them… I mean, wow. I was expecting practically anything but that.

We opened the door and the two of them seemed quite surprised to see us.

“Finally! Where did you disappear like that!?” Asked Hermione in a bossy tone. “We are almost at Hogwarts and you just up and vanish like that! Very inconsiderate!”

“Welcome back,” Said Harry, who seemed to be more relieved in contrast. “We were just about to go looking for you two.”

“Um… where is Draco and Luna?” I asked in confusion.

The two looked at each other and gave me a baffled “Who?” in unison.

Ron and I glanced at each other but we appeared to be equally matched in out level of bewilderment. I grabbed him by the shoulder flashed a wooden smile to two inside the cabin. “Just a moment, I think we forgot something,” I said as I dragged Ron aside and slammed the door behind us.

“Hey! Where are you going?!” Hermione protested, but by then I pulled Ron over.

“Didn’t you say they were engaging in some sort of weird non-penetrative roleplay when you left?” I whispered him.

“Don’t look at me! I have no idea either!”

“Well they are obviously not exchanging any bodily fluids as far as I can see.”

“I said don’t look at me! You saw how they were before you left too!”

“What are you two whispering about?” The question came from Hermione who followed after us with a terrifying but also oddly adorable scowl that only prepubescent girls can muster.

“Errr… Nothing in particular,” I said but then a sudden idea reared its head in my, well, head. “Say, Hermione?”

“Yes?” She seemed to be put off-balance by the sudden change in my tone.

“What comes to mind when I say the word ‘pardon’ to you?”

For a second she seemed perplexed and then she just said, “You speak French?”

I shook my head in response. “No. At least I don’t think so.”

“Too bad,” She replied with a bit of vitriol. “For a moment I almost had a better opinion of you.”

“Ouch,” Came the word from the mouth of Ron alongside with a small elbow jab to my side. Just then the train began slowing down, prompting Hermione to fall forward from the unexpected jolt. As it would happen, I was just in the way where she was falling, and as such I quickly reached out and grabbed her before she fell over.

“Hey there,” I told her with a smile while I helped her regain her footing. “Careful.”

“T-Thanks,” She replied as I let her go. For a moment she seemed to fidget as she was looking at me then she suddenly gasped and returned to the cabin without a word.

“That was a confusing reaction,” I whispered to Ron at my side.

“Girls are weird,” he shrugged his shoulders and followed after her. Well, at least they were no longer acting like horny idiots. That’s a step up, I suppose. I shook of some of my weariness and followed after them.

Inside the cabin Hermione and Harry were already in the middle of packing their things. I checked under the couch where I used to sit, and lo and behold, I actually had a bag. Or rather a chest. A big one. How was I supposed to move this again?

“Is there a problem?” The question came from Harry who came up to my side and was looking at the chest as well.

“I was just wondering what I was supposed to do with this,” I said in exasperation.

“You don’t know?” Chimed in Hermione who was in the middle of wrapping herself into a scarf. She glanced at me but she was conspicuously avoiding eye-contact. Weird.

“No, I have no idea,” I said.

“Maybe it’s enchanted?” Said Ron. “Try calling it?”

“…” I stared at the large wooden chest for a few second. It couldn’t be… But then again, it could… “Nah, there is no way it would be that blatant!” I whispered under my breath, but then I remembered the rules of the universe I learned about and let out a small groan. Of course it would…

“Luggage?” I exhaled, and just as expected the chest suddenly sprouted a throng of tiny legs and quietly crawled out of under the couch. I followed it with my eyes and groaned again. “Let me guess, you also press my clothes and make them smell like lavender, right?”

The luggage froze, but then its lid sprung open revealing a heap of neatly folded and ironed underwear within. “Great,” I sighed. “Because THAT is original.” I closed its lid and shooed it out of the cabin. “Go find yourself another wizard to bother! Or even better, find yourself a tourist first and then a wizard.”

“What are you talking about?” Harry and company seemed to be utterly confused about my behavior.

“It’s complicated.” I said and turned back to the luggage still looking at me from outside the cabin while also blocking the way of the other student trying to get off the train. Well, at least I presumed it was watching me, though it didn’t appear to have any eyes. Maybe through the keyhole?

I glared at it and stomped my feet. “Go away already, you do not belong here!” I told it, and after what appeared to be a moment of contemplation it stuck out its large mahogany tongue at me. In the very next moment it popped out of existence in a puff of logic.

For a few second we all just stood there in silence, staring at the space that was until a moment ago accompanied by a very big and very heavy chest and which now wasn’t. Apparently that was weird even by magical world standards.

“Wow… Did you just make it disappear without a wand?” Asked Hermione with sparkling eyes.

“Um… No. It disappeared by itself. I think,” I answered, though even I wasn’t completely sure about that.

“Guys, we can discuss this later! We should get off the train before we are left behind!” Said Ron while grabbing his bags.

“Right,” Nodded Harry, “Let’s go!”

Personally I thought the disappearing luggage warranted a little more discussions, but I also had to admit that they were right. I put on my coat and made my way off the train alongside the others. Though, for some mysterious reason I had a weird feeling that I was forgetting something…

Nah, it couldn’t be that important if I forgot it on the first place…

This was a pretty straightforward chapter, wasn't it? In fact, this very chapter is what I consider to be the baseline when it comes to most of the future chapters: laidback, simple comedy with some tongue-in-cheek poking at the fictional settings at hand with some random meta-comedy thrown in there for a change of pace every now and then. This is the kind of stuff I like to read, so this is what I write, simple as that. :)

Chapter 3 – Bring out the canon cannon!

It was four thirty-six, in-universe time, world DNT000989. Tokyo. The Yagami household seemed deceptively peaceful at first glance, but I knew better. There was a class seven UMS lurking inside. A hijacker.

The Canon Enforcement Bureau detected him quite early, and while he appears to be relatively harmless for the time being, it’s best to nip him in the bud before he becomes a headache in the future. I have seen class sevens get drunk on their power and climb up to class four in record time. It wasn’t pretty. I had to spend an eternity on Namek in world DBZ003978 to clean up that mess.

I glanced over the house one more time and checked my equipment.

Canon enforcement tools? Check.

Subduing equipment? Check.

Protective duster? Check.

Sweet hat? Check.

It appeared that I had everything in working order. I ran thought a few possible applicable strategic approaches in my head and decided on a direct method. As such I walked up to the door and rung the doorbell. Sometimes the simplest plans are the best.

It only took a few seconds for the door to open, revealing a young, brown haired girl. She was short and about high-school age.

“Hello.” I said with a neutral smile. She looked me in the eye, which meant she had to strain her neck quite a bit. I was about three heads taller than her.

“Um… Can I help you?” She answered with an unsure expression.

“Is your big brother in?” I asked with a roughly 35% warmer smile. You have to be precise about these things. She blinked a few times while thinking and slowly shook her head.

“N-No… Are you a friend of his?”

“Something like that,” I said after quietly clicking my tongue. “Do you know when he would be back?”

“He went to the grocery store, so he should be back soon.”

“Great,” I heaved in relief. I might not have managed to corner him just yet, but this way I should at least have some time to scout out the area of engagement. “Could I come in?”

The girl seemed to be in a conundrum. “Um… I am not supposed to let strangers in…”

“Tch,” I clicked my tongue again. In retrospect that much was obvious. She was a teenage girl after all. I considered my options and decided to alter things a little. It’s one of the perks that come with the job. I closed my eyes and ran through the necessary details. By the time I opened them, the girl in front of me was already blushing.

“W-Well… You can come in if you want… I mean, you look good…” She suddenly covered her mouth and added, “I mean, you don’t look bad! A bad person, I mean! Come on in.”

She gestured for me to enter. I felt a little dirty for doing something like this but it was for the greater good. Not to mention this alteration will be erased along with all the others once I’m done here, so it’s not like it really mattered. After calming my guilty conscience like that I entered the building.

“I’m Sayu. Sayu Yagami. Nice to meet you,” She said while still blushing.

“I know, your brother told me about you.” That was a lie, of course. I actually read her name in the case report. “I’m Wilfred Troy, nice to meet you.”

“Wow! Your name is pretty cool!”

“Thanks.”

“I like your hat too…”

“So do I,” I answered again, this time with a bit more enthusiasm. “Now then, could I ask you a few questions about your brother?” I asked while Sayu directed me to the living room.

“Why? Didn’t you say you were friends?”

“Yes, but I am curious how you see him. It would make me really happy if you gave me your opinion.”

I could practically see her eyes sparkle as she sat down as well and began talking. “My big brother is awesome! He is a top student at his university, he is athletic and he wants to become a great detective like dad!”

This far the description matched that of the original Yagami Light. According to the record he was already on the level of a class ten CMS even in the original canon. Not that it mattered to me. Such things are outside my jurisdiction.

“… and he speaks fourteen languages and he knows kung fu and he is dating L who is actually a girl and…”

Ah, now we are talking. These details are most certainly not canon. It appears that the UMS in question only focuses on tweaking the original character and his immediate acquaintances. I had to make sure though. “Sayu?”

“Yes?” Chirped the girl with a smile.

“Have you heard anything about something called a Death Note?”

Sayu immediately shook her head. “No. What is that?”

“Nothing important. Just checking,” I told her after exhaling in relief. It seems like she doesn’t know. That means the UMS didn’t break that part of the canon. I was actually getting a little disappointed. Was this really a class seven? As far as I could tell he barely sounded more than a class nine…

Just then I noticed the distinct sound of the front door opening, accompanied by lithe steps. I glanced back and my eyes met with those of a young man holding a grocery bag. He was pale like the moonlight, though I presumed it had more to do with my appearance than his natural complexion. I stood up and gave him a nod.

“RyukFrvr98, I presume? Pleased to meet you.” I said as I slowly tugged on my gloves.

“who th hell r u!?” He exclaimed while the grocery bag fell from his hand. Ugh, he was one of the illiterate types. Marvelous.

“Wait, didn’t you say you two were friends?” The girl was understandably confused at my side. “And who is that Ryuk whatever you are talking about?”

I sighed and lightly tapped her on the forehead, “Please take a nap now.” Just like that she collapsed onto the sofa in a light sleep. It was another minor alteration, and a mostly unnecessary one at that. Still, this was the least I could do for her. When she wakes up her world will be back to how it was supposed to be and she won’t even remember a thing. I turned back to the young man still frozen by shock and introduced myself. “I’m Colonel Troy, Canon Enforcement Bureau, Special Enforcement Division. We need to talk.”

At first he just kept staring at me, but then he suddenly threw me a typical slasher-smile and began laughing. “hahahaha1!1 I haave no idae what u r taking abuto, but I have to tank u 4 placing my sister to slep! Now I heva no reasone to hold bak!” He raised his hand and pointed at me with a triumphant face. “King of shinigamys, RyukOmega! kil him!”

Following his words the ambient light of the room suddenly took a nosedive as a grotesque monster materialized itself out of thin air right in front of me, ready pounce. It was a vaguely humanoid creature except with elongated limbs, black wings and a bunch of completely pointless spikes. He also seemed to be on fire, which was a little baffling in retrospect.

“Amateur…” I sighed as I pointed at the creature. “Objection!” I yelled and in the very same moment color escaped from the world and the fake shinigami froze mid-flight in the air.

“what?”

“Tch. Seriously? You know nothing about how the Canon Enforcement Bureau operates, do you?” The man didn’t open his mouth, but that lack of words was answer enough. It was time for a demonstration. I could feel my canon enforcement tools brim with charge as I exclaimed, “There exists no such character in this world!”

There was a high-pitched whistling sound as a single, shimmering crack of blue appeared on the fake death god suspended in mid-air.

“what r u talkling a boot!? he is right fronts of u!”  Shouted the man in confusion as he was trying to comprehend what was happening.

“Yes, and he shouldn’t be.” There was another small crack. “Also, you cannot command him like that; he wouldn’t obey you directly; he is supposed to be invisible and intangible, so I shouldn’t even be able to see him; he should not be able to touch me, let alone kill me, without willing it on purpose, which would mean he would be immediately punished by death by shinigami law and being on flame like that is just stupid.”

The number of cracks practically exploded on the death god with a sickening noise reminiscent of an entire truck’s worth of plate glass falling off a cliff and it crumbled into dust.

“riuk!!!!!!!!!!!!” The man shouted only for a new creature, similar to the previous one show up. He still looked grotesque but he was much less over the top.

“What is it?” He said with an oily voice. I sighed and pointed at him again.

“As I said, I am not supposed to be able to see you.”

“Oopsy,” He answered and then promptly disappeared from my point of view. The UMS on the other hand seemed to be able to still perceive him and he was completely shocked.

“how??????????????????” He was gasping for air as his eyes kept jumping back and forth between the now invisible real shinigami and the steadily disintegrating remains of ‘RyukOmega’.

“Now then,” I said while theatrically dusting my sleeves. “As I said, we need to talk.”

For a second he seemed to be entertaining the thought of ceasing hostilities but a moment later he suddenly dashed up the stairs. I hung my head a sighed. “Of course you would resist. Why do you guys always resist…?” I mumbled while following after him. By the time I reached the first floor he just slammed a door behind him. Probably his room, I figured.

I went up there and knocked. “Listen, this leads nowhere. Just come with me quietly and-” I got this far when I suddenly noticed a small metallic sound and dived to the left. A second later there was a loud bang followed by an equally loud impact coming from the door. The bastard had a gun. I sighed, stood up and dusted my sleeves again. I faced the door once more and kicked it right off its hinges while shouting “Objection!”

The world once again froze into monochrome as I stepped through the now open doorway and thundered at the man, “Yagami Light would never use a gun like that! It leaves too much evidence! He wouldn’t even have a gun in his room!  It’s way too conspicuous!” Following my words the gun cracked in half and disintegrated into grey dust. On the floor. For a moment I was genuinely surprised, wondering why he would throw his weapon away like that, but then I remembered what this word was about and focused my attention to the desk by the wall.

The UMS was there as expected, right in the middle of scribbling into a thin black notebook. He drew the last line and looked at me with glittering madness in his eyes. “i gut u a-hole!!!!!!!! U r dead!!!!!!!!!”

I squinted. This is going to be tricky. “Conceptual Recognition Overlay.” I gave the order. A moment later the entire previously monochrome world got tinted neon green. Ugh. I can’t believe the R&D guys still couldn’t get rid of the effect. Anyways, I focused on the notebook on the writing desk beside the grinning man. Right there was a whirling mass of red lines with barbed ends made visible by the overlay, slowly advancing towards me like a swarm of angry wasps.

I pointed at it and once again declared, “Objection!” The red swarm stopped on its tracks. “You do not know my full name; therefore you should not be able to use the Death Note.”  The lines immediately withered like wilting wines on fast forward.

“No!!!!!” The UMS exclaimed with a triumphant smile. “ths is the Deth note of th shynigamy King! it can kil u wihtout ur nam!!!!!!11!!”

In response to his rebuttal the swarm of red started advancing towards me again. I clicked my tongue in frustration. Now that I cornered him he seemed to finally put up a resistance. Not that it will do him any good.

“Nonsense! Ryuk is not the Shinigami King, therefore you have no access to such a thing! And even if you did, no such ability is established in this world!” My changed angle seemed to work pretty well, as a number of cracks appeared on the notebook itself as well as the swarm of death closing in on me.

“who cars aboot what is esatbilishd!?!?!?!!!! This the death Noote the king & ur gong to dye!!!!!”

“Oh boy…” I exhaled. The logical resistance only lasted this long, huh? Not that I was complaining. It spared my time, as at this point I only needed a single stroke to end this. “Are you saying this is your own continuity?” I asked with a small smile as I made sure the glove on my right hand was properly secured.

“yess!!! thats xactly wht i mean!!!!!!!!!!!” His words were like and explosion blowing away all my previous objections. The world suddenly regained its color, though from my point of view it was still tinted neon green. The previously invisible death god at his side also immediately popped out of existence and got replaced with RyukOmega in all his stupid spiky, flaming glory. I couldn’t help but smile as I pulled back my right hand crackling with a bright azure light.

I drew in a deep breath and calmly said, “By the authority of the Canon Enforcement Bureau, I deny your reality.” Before he could say a word more my fist already lashed out. It passed right through the mass of red lines about to reach me and instead embedded itself into the very concept of this permutation of this word. It was incredibly fragile, so much so that my single punch was enough to conceptually deny its entire existence.

In the blink of an eye the entire world got covered in thin cracks, then bigger cracks, and in less than a second everything exploded around us at the speed of light. When I opened my eyes again everything was back to normal.

The world was in its original color. Yagami Light was sitting at his desk and eating chips while writing his notes. Ryuk was also in the room but he went invisible to me the moment I switched off my CRO, just as he was supposed to. Finally there was a monochrome man sitting under the window with utter shock on his face.

“what hapened?????? WHAT HAVE u DOOOOOOONE!??!?!1??!!!” He yelled at me while staring at Light. He naturally didn’t take note of him, or me if we are at that. After all, we did not exist in this world…

I walked up to him and cuffed him while he was still in shock. “You are under arrest for one count of illegal canon invasion, one count of resisting arrest and about a million counts of horrible grammar. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“Fuk u!!!1”

I sighed. “Go figure,” I said while retrieving the gag from my belt and placing it into his mouth. It was a small device designed to for class 3 UMSs and up, since they are generally dangerous enough that just letting them speak could allow them to force new continuities into existence, but it worked quite well for just keeping guy like him silent as well. I grabbed him by the collar and tapped on the communicator in my ear. “Ready for extraction.”

“Roger,” Came the voice from the other end of the channel. I only had to wait for a few seconds for the shimmering portal to form on the very tapestry of this reality and for my assistant, Lieutenant June McNamara to enter into the world.  She was lean woman with a bubble cut and thin glasses. She had a sort of klutzy, girlish charm to her that even her neatly ironed uniform couldn’t hide. In fact she could easily pass for a high school girl even though…

“Sir!” She interrupted with a scowl. “Please don’t narrate about me! It’s embarrassing!”

I let out a small chuckle. “Sorry, force of habit.” I said as I removed my narrative override device from behind my other ear and turned it off.

“No it’s not! You are always teasing me like that!”

“It’s every man’s privilege to tease girls.”

“And that! Why do you always have to be so unrepentant about it!?”

“Hehe. Sorry, sorry.”

“We really don’t have time for this! There is a situation brewing in HRP007806.”

“HRP007806? Wasn’t that an approved continuity?”

“It was, but now we need to move in there.”

“What? I literally just finished this job and they need us again? What happened?”

“We had a serious spike a few hours ago and since then we are detecting three canon intrusions of unknown level.”

“Wait, did you say three? And how big of a spike are we talking about?”

“At least level 3, but then he disappeared from the radar.”

“Tch… Let’s get moving then. I have a feeling this is going to be a pain…”

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Yeah, I know. This chapter came out of the left field, didn't it? 

It was necessary though, for many reasons. First of all, the introduction of the Canon Enforcement Bureau and Colonel Winfred are both very important, namely that I really, really needed to show it how he operates under normal circumstances. Why is that important? Well... Let's just say you will have to read the following few chapters to truly appreciate it. :P

As for the CENB and related matters, my inspiration came from a phenomenon called the Mary Sue Hunter fics, which simply fascinated me as a strange and unexpected way counter-culture and criticism gained form. Of course I will inevitably deconstruct the hell out of the very idea, but I wouldn't be the first one to do that either... Oh well, there is nothing new under the sun, I suppose.